[Verse 1: Announcer (Arin Hanson)]
He's been practicing racing
He drove for NASCAR
He's a normal human being with a normal-ass car
He tips his hat to Mario
They ring the Mushroom Cup bell
He steps on the gas

[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Red turtle shell
Ah no
Oh my god
Ah, no
Oh god
Yah
Maybe this is some kind of accident or something?
Yah
I don't know

[Verse 2: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Boy, that was violent (Uh-huh)
His head is no bueno (I'm sure it's fine)
He's used to pavement now
He's racing on a rainbow (What?)
He guesses he'll adjust through sheer force of will (I guess)
But suddenly, there's company
(Oh, it's like another racer or something?)
[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Bullet Bill
Is that a bullet?
Yah
Like, like a giant bullet, are you for real?
Yah
Alright

[Verse 3: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
His upper lip is bleeding
He thought this was a race (Dude)
But then he was assaulted by a bullet with a face (This isn't happening)
He's sure there's no brain damage (I'm not)
I don't know how he's sure (I'm not)
As long as he can keep the speed (Oh god, what now?)

[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Lightning bolt
Agh, ow, I gotta get outta here, what the fuck is happening?
Holy shit

[Verse 4: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
He's tiny
He's tiny
And then he gets run over
All his bones and blood and organs are mixed up with the motor (HELP!!)
He's an abomination of God
But at least he has ten coins (I don't care)
He's going to die
Oh god, he's going to die (Oh no)
[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Boomerang to the groin
Oof, oh god, somehow that was the worst one
Yup
Ooh
It hurts
Aw
You gotta get me outta here, man
Nope
This is crazy
I know
I'm gonna die out here, man, I'm gonna die
I know

[Bridge: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Why are you doing this?
Yah
But
Yah
That's not an answer, man

[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Three red shells
Ooh, god, why are you doing this? Stop
Three more red shells
You like that, bitch?
[Verse 5: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
He's in eighth place now
We're still doin' this?
Oh yes, we are (Fuck)
His skin is peeling off and he's coughing up tar (I think I see a way out)
His bones are baby food (Fuck you, I'm goin' off course)
(I'm outta here)
He thinks he's getting away (Yah)

[Chorus: Announcer (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
Lakitu picks you up
Oh-ho, I'm here forever, aren't I?
Yah
Ugh
Yah
What did I do to deserve this, man?
Ah, you don't remember?
(You called his dad a cuck)
That's right
Steven?
Yah
Oh
Yah
I'm sorry, man, dude, we were kids
That's not enough
Wha-what do you want, money? Y-you want my car? Wh—
Don't want your stuff

[Verse 6: Steven (Arin Hanson), Racer (Arin Hanson)]
But there's something you can do to make this all better (Anything)
Apologize to Candice (Who, who's Candice?)
Candice dick fit in your mouth?
(Gottee)
Yus