[Intro: Arin Hanson]
My name is Link
And I just woke up from a sleep that was apparently a hundred years plus
I'm all drenched in goo and partially n***
So I'ma try and see just what these twinky muscles do

[Verse 1: Arin Hanson, Arin's girl voice]
First, I'll raise some towers so I can get a peek
At all the Moblins, lizards and havoc to wreak
Eatin' every single apple that I see
Takin' newly-woken giant robots down with glee
But I stop into town
And I take a look around
I realize I haven't spoken to anyone
To brag about all the rad shit that I've done
Excuse me, miss, I'd be remiss if I didn't introduce myself
Oh, I'm pissed
What?
I know who you are, you fuckin' guy (Uh)
I never thought I'd get the chance to look you in the eye
I'm sorry, I'm lost
Do you know who I am?
Uh, yeah, you cuck, you killed my whole fam
I did?
Yes, remember those towers you raised?
My house was there
Wow
I'm glad you're amazed
Well, look, I didn't know that an ancient device
Would be right under your home
Um, a "sorry"'d be nice
Okay, it's just I've been busting my ass
Doing all kinds of heroic things
I really didn't ask
For example, I've been deflecting lasers at these robots
Oh, that's cool
I just dug my son's grave plot
The amount of recipes I've learned?
So much
Nice
I'll never feel my husband's touch
[Verse 2: Arin Hanson, Brian Wecht]
I feel really bad
But I'm also a little mad
That my hard work is being undermined
It's like, it's not my fault your stupid family died
I figured I'd try to talk to someone nicer
So I approached this guy, he was a master dicer
Hey man, you're good at slicin' apples
That's my main source of sustenance along my travels
I'd love to chat, but I'm in a bind
I have to make due with the apples I could find
There's like none, they're all fucking gone
Like someone ate the entire orchard for fun
The orchard with the signs behind the town's where you grow it?
Yeah, that's the one
(burp) Cool, I don't know it
Whoever is responsible, whoever the traitor
I'm gonna slice off their dick
Okay, see you later

[Verse 3: Arin Hanson, Dan Avidan, Arin doing a voice]
Glad I'm out of there
Hey, maybe I'll try
Another town of people
Oh, that's cool, they fly
We are the Rito
Bird people of the skies
We also hate Hylians
Alright, see you guys
Maybe Hateno Village will be into my boastin'
Hi, I lit the blue torches
What? You let the ghosts in
Moving along
I'm sure there's a place
Where the people aren't way into eating my face
Oh look, it's the Gorons
Oh, a face we can eat
Well, I think I'm gonna start beatin' my feet
I don't even know where the heck I could go
Oh sorry, little Korok
You killed me, bro
Damn, Mr. Horse Guy workin' at the farm
Seems like everything I do just causes some harm
I hope my trusty horse didn't pain or bother ya
Oh no, not at all, he just gave us all cholera
How is that even— just whatever
I guess I'll just think about it and do better
I'm gonna head to the Great Fairy to upgrade my sweater
You awoke the Great Fairy?
Yeah
[Outro: Arin Hanson as Link, Arin Hanson as Various Bros]
Yo, no cap? (Aw, let's go)
Damn, she fine (Yeah, she fine)
Yeah, yeah, she fine (Oh, like mad fine)
So fine
Oh, so I didn't mess up?
Hell nah (What?), no, man
Yeah, don't worry about it (Yeah, man, it's cool)
It's cool, man
However, on account of the cholera, we all have to shit all the time
(Yeah) So much (Yeah, it's like, woah)
It's like mad gross
It's like "brrr"
Yeah, he knows, he knows