[Verse 1: Arin Hanson & Dan Avidan]
Hey, it's Link, I'm back and I'm sailing on a ship
I'm the King of Red Lions
Yo, I don't give a shit
If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land
It's all I really need is a sword and shield in my hand
But look over there, that sign says "Beware"
"A giant pit no one can jump, you can't fly through the air"
You'll need a special item to get through that moat
But what do I know, right? I'm just a fucking boat
Fuck, alright, shit, okay
I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way
But as far as I'm concerned, all I need is swordplay
Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, okay?

[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
Your quest is long and the road is tough
The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff
No lives are spared, you better be prepared
Moblin fangs and a boomerang
And a cloth to shield that nasty wang
From Majora's mask to an empty flask
Here's what you need to complete your task

[Verse 2: Arin Hanson & Dan Avidan]
A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key
And a second-place trophy from a local spelling bee?
A candle with the handle and a single Velcro sandal
Is this an old court order for a drug-related scandal?
No
Hey boat, all these items hurt my back, it's a lot
Pop a Tylenol, you bitch, you've got 87 slots
Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock that it hits
Oh
And a pair of full-size studio drum kits
Ugh
A giant used Q-tip
A really small cruise ship
A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip?
Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax
And a legendary sacred hidden Golden Tome of Fart Jokes
[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
This Wind Waker lets you control the air
And this sit maker is a really comfortable reclining chair
The road is long, you must protect that schlong
Noble stallions and quake medallions
You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians
Sourdough, a herd of buffalo
Just a few more things and you're ready to go

[Verse 3: Arin Hanson & Dan Avidan]
Your grandma's glass eyeball
80 pounds of drywall
And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?
A vegan pasta maker
The wrestler Undertaker?
An odd number of crutches and a family of Quakers
A basket of muffins
A turkey with the stuffin'
A pillow that needs fluffin'?
A society of puffins
A fresh unopened box of race-quality potato sacks
46 copies of "The Jerk" on Betamax
It's getting kinda heavy
I don't care, here's a Chevy
And the Wacky World of Minigolf
Starring Eugene Levy
Oh my god
I absolutely cannot carry one more thing
Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string
[Outro: Arin Hanson & Dan Avidan]
Whoa, you see?
This is exactly why I also packed a spinal surgeon
I hate you, boat