[JOY]
New York, it was so stressful
So I'll go back to my roots
To my hometown in New England
In my thousand dollar boots
And my thousand dollar jacket
And my thousand dollar gloves
My god, I'm so impressive
But I still can't find love
But maybe here in my cozy hometown
I'll find someone new I can date
I could meet a hot guy who drives a pickup truck
But turns out he's richer than Billy freaking Gates
(spoken)
Wow, my hometown! So much has changed, yet so much remains the same. I'm sure there's been no urban growth, though. I can just cross the street without even looking!
Oh my gosh, you hit me with your pickup truck!

[MITCH, spoken]
Are you okay? Woah. Joy Von Mistletoe, is that you?

[JOY, spoken]
Yes, it's me

[MITCH, spoken]
Do you remember me?
[JOY, spoken]
Is that you, Mitch Tannenbaum?

[MITCH, spoken]
Yes!

[JOY, spoken]
You haven't changed!

[MITCH, spoken]
I guess not

[JOY, spoken]
No, literally. You have not changed your clothes in 20 years

[MITCH, spoken]
Yeah, well, there's a reason for that

[JOY, spoken]
Oh?

[MITCH]
When I auditioned for this role
The producers were like, "Woah!
You're actually kind of easy on the eyes
But we can't reveal you're hot
Because that's the whole plot
So we will put your hotness in disguise"
(spoken)
And here's how
(sung)
Flannel and a backwards hat
No one is attracted to that
I may have some amazing hair
But you can't see it when it's all stuck up there
My abs are remarkably flat
But this shirt makes me look real fat
So you can't tell that I'm swole as hell
With my flannel and my backwards hat, yeah
[JOY, spoken]
Okay, Mitch. I will see you around

[MITCH, spoken]
Are you going to the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at town square?

[JOY, spoken]
Yes. I will be there

[MITCH, spoken]
Okay!

[JOY, spoken]
But between now and then, I will do some soul searching about what really matters

[MITCH, spoken]
Okay...

[JOY, spoken]
Okay, bye Mitch!
Old Man Sam. Thanks for coming over to make Christmas cookies

[SAM, spoken]
Well, you know I love your cookies!

[JOY, spoken]
Yes. And you really like milk!
[SAM, spoken]
Yes, I do! I like milk and cookies!

[JOY, spoken]
Old Man Sam?

[SAM, spoken]
Yes, Joy?

[JOY, spoken]
Do you believe in miracles?

[SAM, spoken]
Hehe, I do know a thing or two about miracles

[JOY, spoken]
How do you know about miracles?

[SAM, spoken]
Really? Have.. have you not, um... figured this out yet?

[JOY, spoken]
Figured what out?

[SAM]
I'm the oldest man in this town
I'm older than Newton's Laws
Kids all love me, adults all trust me
I'm obviously Santa Claus
I have all these random toys on my shelf
Joy, are you really that thick?
I mean, I have a white beard and I have a pet deer
Obviously I'm Saint Nick
My name is Sam T. Claus
"Sam T. Claus", you see?
And I've been the same age for 42 years
How many hints do you need?
I disappear on Christmas Eve
And I come back covered in crumbs
How do you guys not figure this out?
This town is so flippin' dumb

[JOY, spoken]
Well, I have an idea

[SAM, spoken]
Oh boy

[JOY, spoken]
I'm going to prove that you are Santa

[SAM, spoken]
I just told you I'm Santa...

[JOY, spoken]
If you make my wish come true, then I will know that you are Santa

[SAM, spoken]
...okay, fine. What do you want?

[JOY, spoken]
This Christmas, I wish for love

[SAM, spoken]
Gotcha

[JOY, spoken]
I bet you've never heard that wish

[SAM, spoken]
It's literally the most popular wish

[JOY, spoken]
But I'm a unique woman

[SAM, spoken]
You're not

[JOY, spoken]
Okay. Bye, Sam T. Claus!

[SAM, spoken]
Still not hearing "Sam T. Claus"? No? Nope? Uh, um, alright...

[JOY, spoken]
Wow, what a joyous festival of light! Hey, where's Old Man Sam? He always disappears every Christmas Eve. Oh well

[MITCH, spoken]
Hey, Joy

[JOY, spoken]
How do you know my name?

[MITCH, spoken]
It's me, Mitch

[JOY, spoken]
Oh my gosh, I did not recognize you!

[MITCH, spoken]
Yeah, I took off my hat, and then I cut the sleeves off my flannel and made them into bows for the town Christmas tree

[JOY, spoken]
Wow, you have tris!

[MITCH, spoken]
Yes, everyone in this town is super ripped

[JOY, spoken]
I am feeling something new inside of me

[MITCH, spoken]
Yeah, me too
(sung)
It's the last scene of the movie
The plot really sucked, I know
The whole Santa thing never got resolved
And your oven's still on

[JOY, spoken]
Oh no!

[MITCH]
But baby, don't you worry
We have one more song to dispense
A song full of Christmas buzzwords

[JOY & MITCH] (MITCH)
And it won't make any sense (C'mon!)
Believe in the belief that there is love
And if you believe in Christmas

[JOY]
Then you can wish for love

[JOY & MITCH] (MITCH)
(And if you) wish, then you will believe that it comes true (Yeah!)

[JOY]
That Christmas wish

[MITCH]
Believe in love

[JOY & MITCH]
Is always inside of you

[MITCH] (JOY)
Inside of you (Inside of you)
Inside of you, baby (It's inside of you, yeah)
Just look inside yourself, that's where it is (It's inside me, baby)
Oh yeah, oh yeah

[SAM, spoken]
Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho!

[JOY, spoken]
Oh look, it's Santa!

[SAM, spoken]
Merry Christmas, Joy! This is for you

[JOY, spoken]
A wedding ring? Santa. How did you know?

[SAM, spoken]
Joy, we talked about this

[JOY, spoken]
I wish Old Man Sam could've seen this

[SAM, spoken]
Okay, I'm worried that you may have fallen and hit your head. Like, have a traumatic brain-

[JOY, spoken]
Good grief, this is gigantic! Oh Mitch, how could you afford this?

[MITCH, spoken]
Well, I forgot to tell you

[JOY, spoken]
What?

[MITCH, spoken]
I am king of Grandalisneyusia

[JOY, spoken]
Oh yeah!