[Round 1: Jesse Tyler Ferguson]
When they offered me the star of This Is Us, I said sure
I was disappointed when it wasn't Mandy Moore
Your show's too sappy, you bawl at the rehearsals
It's sadder than a Sarah McLachlan dog commercial
Your Sean Spicer impression is the life of the party
Wait, hold on a second, that's Melissa McCarthy
Your career is hot, and I bet you feel great
Well, honey, give me a call when you get to season eight

[Round 1: Chrissy Metz]
You and Eric Stonestreet are cute, it's true
But how you let a straight guy play gay better than you?
I saw your Carpool Karaoke, you sing like trash
When they picked up Audra and Jane, they should'a left yo' ass
You said I look like Melissa when she plays Sean
At least I don't look like a giddy leprechaun
Yeah I'm big [?] or whatever you call it
You know what else is big? My motherfucking wallet

[Round 2 : Jesse Tyler Ferguson]
Your show's about family dynamics, and it's good
But I liked it the first time, when it was called Parenthood
It revolves around family and all ties together
That's been the plot of Modern Family forever
I'm a real actor doing Shakespeare in the Park
And when your show is cancelled, you're gonna live in the park
I tried to warn Chrissy, but now she gets crushed
I'm a winner, you're a loser, that's a real This Is Us

[Round 2 : Chrissy Metz]
Jesse's real confident and you have to ask why
He talks a lot of shit for a guy in bow ties
You lost five times to a Best Supporting Actor
And you just play yourself, so maybe that's a factor?
You're so pale, do you tan often?
Forget about the closet, when you comin' out the coffin?
You fly around making noise like a mosquito
You answer the question "what if milk fucked a Cheeto?"

[Round 3: Jesse Tyler Ferguson]
It's funny 'cause your last name just makes sense
Because you're just as awful as the New York Mets
Your show is full of flashbacks and emotional cues
And it's even more depressing than watching Fox News
It's the TV-equivalent to singing the blues
Like going against Game of Thrones for Emmys, you'll lose
Make fun of my hair, but those disses are tired
It's red for a reason, I lit the scene on fire

[Round 3: Chrissy Metz]
Modern Family stooge, it's history uncanny
But you always get upstaged by a kid named Manny
You're not very funny and you're actually deadpan
How are you gay, but still play a straight man?
And now I'm gracing covers of magazines
You're basically the background when you're on screen
You try to hurt me with a bunch of lame words
I'm like a car, with no steering, you can't handle, these curves