[Round 1: Taylor Hanson]
When we heard we were battling the guy from Veep
There were 15 other options we hoped it would be
We love the show, we were quick to agree
Not knowing we were stuck with the fifth male lead
How is Sam Richardson our only Veep option?
You're like Magic Johnson made love to Kenan Thompson
If you come at us, you better bring all you can muster
'Cause you're about to crumble like Detroit's infrastructure

[Round 1: Sam Richardson]
Wow, look at me, right here with the Hansons
They're the only family more offensive than the Mansons
Before I get started, there's something I should touch on
Like, you three were the first girls I ever had a crush on
And I'm not saying the Hansons only play state fairs
But if you smell churros and funnel cake, they're probably there
You have lovely families, that much is certain
But you had so many damn kids, I still don't understand how you're still virgins

[Round 2: Zac Hanson & Taylor Hanson]
Addressing that we're family seems very important
'Cause we look less like brothers than you look like Tracy Morgan
In this battle, you bit off more than you can chew
But it doesn't look like chewing's a problem for you
So you're from Detroit, we know you got heart
But it's just like your career, well, it's fallin' apart
We sold 16 million records, that's monumental
People think you're Tyler Perry, and you're stuck on Comedy Central
[Round 2: Sam Richardson]
You guys have been famous since the day you were born
Which is impressive for three kids raised Children of the Corn
You're basically straight-edge and probably homeschooled
Congrats on finding a way to make the Jonas Brothers look cool
You each married fans, and I'm amazed
You're able to find three Hanson fans this day and age
It's impressive "MMMBop" has been around for so long
But, quick, I dare you, just name one more of your songs

[Round 3: Zac Hanson]
He's on two TV shows, still unknown, though
People see him and say, "That Teddy Graham let himself go"
You have a huge head, no disrespect
Forget Hanson, I'd like to see him battle a turtleneck
When it comes to good shows, Veep is a leader
But you're all over Selina like Justin Bieber
Sam, I applaud you comin' tonight
But we had an awkward teen phase, you had an awkward whole life

[Round 3: Sam Richardson]
Most people hit puberty and start having zits
You all hit puberty and stopped having hits
You had an album called Middle of Nowhere, that's brave
'Cause "middle of nowhere" is exactly where your careers stayed
This right here is a career curtain call
'Cause you look like a white trash nesting doll
So avoid hip-hop, just stick to pop
Get your head out your ass and "mmm, stop"