Yo
The origin of my thoughts you will never know
My favorite beat is the universe's ebb and flow
I'm Alaskan Thunderfuck, you oregano
When I go to your show I always bring a egg to throw
I'm every episode of every show ever shown
You're a millisecond of a never-viewed webisode
I'm everything in existence, you're nothing
If you don't catch my drift that should tell you somethin'
I'm no longer on your amateur court
So to any naysayers who demand a retort
I'll consider emailing y'all an annual report
From the perspective of a hammock at a Sandals resort, sin-
-Cerely, your excellence
You inferior specimen
When you near me address me as dearly distinguished gentleman
English I am an expert in
My contact list
I have Webster in the lab I am sequestered in
An isolated author with insightful takes to offer
Whose pop culture references are older than Gibraltar
Just did a cover of "Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter" by Iron Maiden
You in dire straits and I'm Marc Knopfler
You marks are fabric softener
I listen to you rap and can't recall a past experience I've had that's awfuller
I'm a classic artist's tale
I'm a tragic sculptor
Die with an empty coffer as a penniless pauper
My eulogy will be "hey fellas just toss him
We'll dig him up in two weeks I rented the coffin"
I'm the type that'll rip a mic every so often
For self-affirmation to remember I'm awesome
Just to lift me up like a figure skater doing a triple axle
After swallowing a little capsule filled with Paxil
I'm a little rascal
I'm a fucking varmint
My fanbase is nothing short of in-fucking-ardent
In my glove compartment there's an undergarment that belongs to the woman with whom you share a one bedroom apartment
I do my thing like cows eat grass
I do my thing like hummingbird hearts beat fast
Ay
American classic
Good samaritan you'd wanna share some Maryland crabs with
Rumor has it that I'm very fantastic
And that rumor's been confirmed like it's parents with catholic
Arrogant bastard
No comparison's accurate
Except for Niagara Falls barreling fast as shit
No magician would be sharing his magic tricks now would he
If he had respect how could he, uh
I'm a oligarch
Napoleon Bonaparte
Joan of Arc style leavin' you totally blown apart
Waitin' for my show to start
People prefer to be in the front
With the animals like Rosa Parks on Noah's Ark
I'm eliter than a Bilderberg meeting team leader
Steal your soul like a scientologist e-meter
L. Ron Hubbard meets Elroy Jetson
El soy yo el [?] no question
Offend many like the team name "Redskins"
E-made beats create B-boy head spins
Out of the box intended for your suggestions
In a vision quest visions stem from mescaline
Images rendered are too exquisite to question 'em
The sentences I've penned are meant to contend with the best of 'em
I sit on a pedestal
You pit in the pendulum
Turn my shit up ten decibels
I turn spitters to vegetables
My shit is incredible, you need medical help
Mind, body, and spirit where my rhetoric felt
I'm a notch up in ya mama's hypothetical belt
She gave my testicles a five star review on Yelp
Yo
I say a lot of meaningless babble
"Are those even words?" like I'm cheating in Scrabble
Smoke a spliff a day instead of eating an apple
I'm higher than the spire on the steeple of a chapel, yo
We are cut from different cloths off of separate rolls
For a minute sum you'd probably sell your soul
I'm in it for the good times a la Esther Rolle
You should go and sit on a fucking bench like Eckhart Tolle
Your shit is weak, take a frickin' seat
If you have a mic under your Christmas tree I hope it had a gift receipt
The kid is deep like a minor who's a miner
When I'm in the booth like a diner at a diner
Old school soothsayer
Pro Tools truth layer
Applause through the roof when I'm in the booth player
They say I'm cold, I say B-I-N-G-O
Ten below since you was knee-high to an embryo
I sit and ponder sippin' on a cold lager
Sidecar fireball wondering what happened to Goldschläger
Only fodder if you are a beer blogger
Get the check then I skate like I'm Jaromír Jágr
I go on a lot of unforeseen tangents
That are a little long like a submarine sandwich
That if they were data they'd require lots of bandwidth
That if they were Dorothy they'd no longer be in Kansas
Whose dog name was Toto that today they named a band with
Who also sang Rosana but didn't say it in Spanish
I digress
I get busy like the IRS at tax season
Wax eatin' anyone who try and test
I'm at best when I invest my time and effort in myself
The only battle that I fight is with my mental health
Hopefully I win it
Count to three after I pen it
Big Wax, I been doin' this
For a minute, yo
Golf clap for another raw rap
Aw snap like the back of a ball cap or bra strap
Y'all are micro
One day you might grow
On the microphone I'm dirty, call Mike Rowe
He's supposed to be the host of my show
I'm never so-so so I boastfully flow
I notably know
A lot of shit nobody know
When I say "know what I'm sayin'" they like "no I don't know"
Yo
I'm so high I could ghostwrite for Peter Tosh
I'm like the Tysons, both Mike and Neil DeGrasse
Sting like a wasp
Float like a fleet of yachts
Driven by competing elitists measuring speed in knots
Drop this in your shitty boombox
I get no respect like my doc's Vinnie Boombatz
I get lots of Samolians
Pocket full of knots
You get squashed like Napoleon's
Pocket full of tots
I got lots of custodians
Dusting my customized podium to which they then coat with Rust-Oleum
Get accustomed to some cussin' with purpose
Like the discussion of a sailor on call with customer service
You rusty fucks'll get nervous
Where'd he come from, the furnace?
I'm the hottest, honestly I probably judge you as worthless, yo
I'm a bad mother, shut your mouth
Spit a damn cuss word out at your grandmother's house
I been rappin' since she had that plastic-covered couch
I been rappin' since she had a back that doesn't slouch
For you I can't vouch
Too many doubts
Your spittin' is reminiscent of the house of Oscar the Grouch
I'm crowd-adored as I bow before the encore
Leave then come back like the California condor
Google that
They became extinct then they grew 'em back
They came from the same lab I make my music at
I discover things in the darkest corners of my mind
I'm a rare specimen, I'm somethin' hard to find
A new iPhone with the old input
A sextape of the Loch Ness Monster fucking Bigfoot
The nail used in Jesus' hand found by a dude with a metal detector on Venice Beach in the sand
The key to unlocking the secrets of man
God damn
Green eggs and ham, uh
EOM beats
EOM rest in peace