[Cecily Strong]
Hey there, boys. We know the last couple months have been frickin' insane

[Aidy Bryant]
All these big, cool, powerful guys are turning out to be, what's the word? Habitual predators?

[Kate McKinnon]
Cat's out of the bag, women get harassed all the time!

[Aidy]
And it's, like, dang, is this the world now?

[Saoirse Ronan]
But here's a little secret that every girl knows

[Cecily]
Oh, this been the damn world!

[All]
It's freaky, it's narsty
It's button-under-the-desk bad
But this is our hometown, we'll show you around
Welcome to hell
Now we're all in here
Look around, isn't it nice?
It's a full nightmare
Ain't it so coo-coo, playing this Guess Who?
Yeah, it's a lot, but it's what we got
Welcome to hell, hey!
[Aidy]
Oh, and this ain't a girl group
We just travel in a pack for safety

[Kate]
This is how I walk home at night
Meow

[Saoirse]
My dad gave me a pink gun, so there's a lot there

[Cecily]
My little trick is if someone's following me I put my arm up like this and I go [*groans*]
'Cause then he'll be like, "she's not worth the trouble"

[All (Cecily)]
Welcome to hell
Now you're in our boat
Look at that guy, what is he up to in that trench coat?
It's like a maze here, all full of boners
Hey, what was that?
Whew, just a cat
(Wait, who owns the cat?)
Could be a trap
Welcome to hell, hey!
[Kate]
I guess it begs the question
Woah, why didn't you say something, babygirl?

[Saoirse]
Well, dang, double daddy
We definitely did
For hundreds of years

[Melissa Villaseñor]
Aww, man

[Aidy]
But I guess no one, like, cared

[Saoirse]
Because it kept happening again and again

[Melissa]
What?

[Saoirse]
And again!

[Melissa]
Really?
[Saoirse]
And again!

[Melissa]
Oh, come on!

[Leslie Jones]
Hey, just wanted to say I think what you guys are doing is really cool, I get it. Um, but you do know that it's, like, a million times worse for women of color, right?

[All]
Oh, God, yes!
Thank you for saying that

[Leslie]
Well, let's get back into this!

[Saoirse]
Now House of Cards is ruined
And that really sucks
Well, here's a list of stuff that's ruined for us

[All]
Parking
And walking
And Uber
And ponytails
Bathrobes
And nighttime
And drinking
And hotels
And vans

[Melissa]
Nothing good happens in a van

[All]
Welcome to hell
This isn't news
Our situation's been a nuisance since we got boobs
That's why our mom was always so tired
Grab all your friends, mace in your hands
Welcome to hell
Yeah, it ain't fair, but pull up a chair
Welcome to hell, hey!