[Verse 1: Donald Glover]
I watched you with him
Strolling in the night
You kissed him twice
Now nothing seems alright
Yes, I watched you with him
Hugging in the night
I love you girl
But the writing's on the wall tonight

[Skit]

[Donald Glover]: Hey girl, how you doing? No, no, no! Don't get up. I'm just gonna join you. Is that alright, Jade?

[Cecily Strong]: I-

[Donald Glover]: You're not expecting anybody, are you?

[Cecily Strong]: I-

[Donald Glover]: You wouldn't be playing me like that, would you? So I'm just gonna sit here, in this seat, and tell you a little secret. I followed you. Yup, I got in my big car, and followed you, and I saw everything, Jade. And I mean, so mad! I wanted to run you down, Rambo-style. But I chilled

[Cecily Strong]: I-

[Donald Glover]: Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, wait. I went back to our apartment, and cancelled all our credit cards. All your nice jewelry? Heh, I put it right up my ass
[Cecily Strong]: I'm so-

[Donald Glover]: Shh. Because you gotta learn about loyalty, baby girl. So now who's laughing? Heh heh heh, not me. Because if I laugh too hard, that jewelry will fly right out my ass. And I don't wanna give you the satisfaction. You wanna know what else. I was so mad at you, girl, I tried to cut my own damn thing off

[Cecily Strong]: I-

[Donald Glover]: Oh, wait. But I couldn't do it, you wanna know why? 'Cause I passed out just from holding the knife. But you wanna know what I did when I woke up? I remembered how much you love the smell of my hair, and how much you don't like the smell of my pee. You know where I'm going with this, right?

[Cecily Strong]: I-

[Donald Glover]: I poured my own pee in my own hair. How does that make you feel? Because tricks are for cereal, and this is the truth, or my name isn't Raz P. Berry. What do you have to say to that?

[Cecily Strong]: I-I don't know who you are

[Donald Glover]: (laughs) Oh, is that so? Listen to this jackass bray

[Cecily Strong]: No-no, yeah, I-I don't mean to embarrass you, I just, what I think what is happening is that your sunglasses are very dark

[Donald Glover]: Hmm

[Cecily Strong]: And it's, it's very dark in here

[Donald Glover]: Right

[Cecily Strong]: And it's dark and foggy out there
[Donald Glover]: That's also true

[Cecily Strong]: Because, because I'm not the woman you think I am because I don't know who you are. Does that make sense?

[Donald Glover]: Back up. So, you're not my girlfriend Jade?

[Cecily Strong]: No, I'm Ann Saunders, this is my husband Reginald Saunders, M.D

[Kenan Thompson]: Yes, hello. Who is this?

[Cecily Strong]: Um, this is Raz P. Berry. He's a, he's a singer

[Donald Glover]: And a dancer

[Cecily Strong]: And a dancer

[Kenan Thompson]: Oh, it smells like pee around here

[Cecily Strong]: Oh right. Yes, I remember the things he just sang at me. He um, he, he poured pee in his hair, and he tried to cut his penis off

[Donald Glover]: And I put jewelry up my butt

[Kenan Thompson]: Why did you those things?

[Donald Glover]: To teach a woman a lesson
[Kenan Thompson]: Yes, but how does that do that though?

[Cecily Strong]: Oh, oh, oh, and you were right, there was a car that almost hit us, because he wanted to run us over "Rambo-style". I don't know what that means

[Donald Glover]: It's Rambo-style because of the sunglasses

[Kenan Thompson]: Rambo didn't wear sunglasses

[Donald Glover]: Yeah, but he also didn't put jewelry up his own ass. Look, I am sorry for the misunderstanding but I have to get home and clean up because I did a lot of horrible things in my apartment that I didn't even get to in the song. And hey, man-to-man, keep an eye on your woman

[Kenan Thompson]: Oh, you know I do my brother

[Cecily Strong]: Wha- honey! Come on, let's get back to heavy drinking now that he's gone

[Kenan Thompson]: Yeah, alright. Well no, he's not gone, he's dancing in the window

[Outro: Donald Glover]
I thought she was her, young girlfriend Jade
But it was the wife
Of doctor, Reginald, Saunders