(Spoken Intro)
On Christmas Eve the Gentiles gather 'round the Christmas tree
They stay at home and party with their goyishe family
They disappear one day each year and pass the eggnog ‘round
But it’s all right, ‘cause that’s the night the Jews control the town

(Song)
Well, it happens every year on Christmas Eve
All the happy Christian people take their leave
Yeah, the streets are deserted, and that’s big news:
It’s Christmastime for the Jews

Yeah, the holiday party starts ‘bout 6 PM
Ain’t nobody recreating Bethlehem
Yeah, the three wise men, that’s a big old snooze
Christmastime for the Jews

They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line
They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet-ass wine
They can crank Barbra Streisand on the streets they cruise
Christmastime for the Jews

They can gang up on the Quakers
Play for the Lakers
They can do what they wanna
Even vogue Madonna
Get a chance to drive a tractor
Win on Fear Factor,
See Fiddler on the Roof with actual Jewish actors
Now they really get the party going after dark
Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park
Picking fights in the bars, knowing they can’t lose
Christmastime for the Jews

Now it’s nearly 10:30
Yes, it’s time for bed
Daily Show reruns dancing in their heads
Maybe next year they’ll learn how to hold their booze
Christmastime for the Jews
Have some water
Christmastime for the Jews
Don’t get sick now
Christmastime for the Jews
Sleep it off, yeah