[Intro: Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant, Halsey & All]
Mmm, February 14th
The hottest Thursday of the year
It's a whole day about sex, romance, and sexy romance
So Happy Valentine's Day

[Verse 1: Aidy Bryant]
It's 8 PM on Valentine's Day
My man got me flowers, got me lingerie
The doorbell rings and I'm like, "What? More?"
He shrugs at me and I run to get the door
It's a card that says "You're my significant otter"
Oh no, no, "To my beautiful daughter?"
A romantic card from mom, okay, wow
'Cause damn, damn, damn
That's not where I'm at right now

[Chorus: All]
I don't wanna think of you, it's a day for romance
I don't wanna think of you when I'm gettin' in the pants
We're about to pound, my man's on the bed
And I'm grindin' with him, but now you're in my head
I'm bumpin', I'm bangin', I'm bonin', I'm 'bout to bust through
So I don't wanna think of you

[Post-Chorus: Kenan Thompson]
Stand down, stand down
And now she's FaceTiming you
Stand down, stand down, oh
[Verse 2: Halsey]
I'm at my desk and I'm sextin' my boo
Tellin' him the freaky-deaky stuff we're gonna do
He sends a pic of his full-throttle wein'
I hear a knockin' - it's my female boss, Carleen!
This is bad, I'm horny in my chair -
Gotta shift gears because she's handing me a big pink bear
And we're not close; Carleen, do less!
A quick side hug, then home to make a mess-

[Chorus: All]
I don't wanna think of you
You're a VERY loose acquaintance!
I don't wanna think of you when he down there doin' some maintenance
Give a huge bad gift? Well, that's your call
But tell me, when did this day become a free-for-all?
Your card said "I love you"
And again, Carleen, YOU ARE MY BOSS!
So I don't wanna think of you!

[Post-Chorus: Kenan Thompson]
Stand down, stand down
Carleen, you handle the checks
Stand down, stand down

[Bridge: Kate McKinnon]
I don't wanna think of the card that my son bought me
Keep in mind, when you hear this, that he can't really read:
It said "Baby, I can't wait for tonight"
I know that sex is what made him, but it's just not right!
[Break: Kate McKinnon, Son & Halsey]
And what do you think will happen tonight?
We eat cake, mama!
Cake, mama

[Chorus: All & Aidy Bryant]
I don't wanna think of you, just wanna curl my toes
Why did my dentist gave me a single rose? (A single rose)
A sexy day meant for me and my lover
Why did I get this lotion from my brother? (Don't do that, Michael!)
So thanks for the cards and the candies
'Cause I love you, too (I love you)
But I don't wanna think of you

[Outro: Kenan Thompson]
Valentine's Day is for lovers
They don't wanna hear from you
That's what birthdays are for