(Spoken Intro)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Yo, just the Skittles, and do you have a bottle of water?
[BODEGA MAN]
Uh, sure. You want it super hot or solid block of ice?
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Never mind
[CHARLIE]
Hey, do you have a bathroom?
[BODEGA MAN]
A what?
[CHARLIE]
A bathroom. You know, a bathroom I can use?
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in a bodega?
[CHARLIE]
I mean, what? Who cares? It's an emergency
[BODEGA MAN]
Would you like the key to the bathroom?
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Yo, Charlie, if you do this, I don't think we can be friends anymore, man
[CHARLIE]
Dude, relax! It's just a bathroom. I'm sure it's fine
[BODEGA MAN]
And so it shall be. Oh, Bodega Cat, show this man to the bathroom
[BODEGA CAT]
Make a wish! Hold your breath!
(Song)
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of zero sanitation
Close your eyes
And avoid inhalation
[COCKROACHES]
If you want a few parasites
Take a look around and view them
All the sticky stuff is fluid
Want to know for sure? Put a blacklight to it
(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
Oh my God!
[BODEGA CAT]
That's right, you're the first person to use this bathroom that's not a dog giving birth
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
What kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?
[BODEGA MAN]
I did!
(Song)
Who can sell you condoms
And AriZona iced tea
A loose cigarette and plantain chips?
[BODEGA MAN, BODEGA CATS, AND COCKROACHES]
The bodega man can!
Oh, the bodega man can!
[BODEGA MAN]
The bodega man can, 'cause he mixes lots of pills
And calls them Tiger Sex Pills
[BODEGA CAT]
Who can make a rainbow
Out of cans of Goya beans?
[COCKROACH 2]
The Oreos are Russian and the ATM's Chinese
[BODEGA MAN, BODEGA CATS, AND COCKROACHES]
The bodega man can!
Oh, the bodega man can!
(Spoken)
[TOILET]
Enough! The child is mine! He took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price!
[BODEGA CAT]
I'm sorry, my son. I cannot protect you any longer
[TOILET]
Aw, come on! Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!
[VIRGIN MARY CANDLE]
Stop!
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Bodega Virgin Mary candle?
[VIRGIN MARY CANDLE]
That's right! If no one else will protect the boy, then I will. And I hope that someday we can erase
(Song)
The memory
Oh, this horrible memory
When he needed a toilet
In a moment of shame
[TOILET]
If you touch me, you'll understand what unhappiness is
[COCKROACHES]
Your worst day has begun
(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. I think I learned my lesson
[BODEGA MAN]
Not yet, you haven't
(Song)
[OOMPA-LOOMPAS]
Oompa loompa oompety do
We've got a troubling bathroom for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
We got an "F" from the CDC
[VIRGIN MARY CANDLE]
What do you get when you sit on that seat?
[OOMPA-LOOMPA 1]
Swine HPV and a wave of heat
[OOMPA-LOOMPA 2]
Where are you at
Getting desperate like that?
[VIRGIN MARY CANDLE]
The sink is a swimming pool for rats
[RAT]
I don't like the looks of it
(Spoken)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Wait, wait, wait. You got Oompa-Loompas in your bodega?
[BODEGA MAN]
Oh, no, those are just Sour Patch Kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life
[CHARLIE]
Hey look, Mister, here's your key back. I decided not to use the bathroom
[BODEGA MAN]
No, Charlie, don't you see? It's all yours now. The bathroom, the bodega, I'm leaving all of it to you. You passed the test
[CHARLIE]
But what will I do with it?
[BODEGA CAT]
It's a bodega, Charlie. The possibilities are endless, because there's
(Song)
525,600 items
[BODEGA MAN, BODEGA CATS, AND COCKROACHES]
525 thousand unrelated things
525 thousand flavors of ramen
How can we sell you one loose beer?
[ALL]
And shampoo and hot dogs and the worst-ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf
[BODEGA MAN]
Why are they there?
[ALL]
There's a guy who doesn't work here
Just sitting and watching soccer
And chargers
[BODEGA CAT]
But they're only for an iPhone 3
[ALL]
And what about flan?
The dessert called flan?
[COCKROACH 2]
Just-unwrapped flan
[ALL]
Bodega of love
Love
The toilet don't flush
The toilet don't flush
(Spoken outro)
[CHARLIE]
All right, I've decided to drop out of NYU and run the bodega full-time!
(Sung outro)
[ALL]
Yeah, bodega of love!
Love!
