(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
Hey, man, how's business?

[BIG NICK]
At the souvenir store in Times Square during the pandemic? Uh, it's not great

[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Alright, well then I'll buy two of those snow globes

[BIG NICK]
Wow, thank you! That's really gonna put me over the top, buddy

[CHARLIE]
I'll take that photo of you and your kids

[BIG NICK]
That's a personal item, not for sale

[CHARLIE]
Oh, okay. then I'll buy that "I Heart New York" underwear

[BIG NICK]
What was that?

[CHARLIE]
Those briefs that announce how much I love New York. I'll take 'em
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
You're buying underwear from a souvenir store in Times Square? They're not even wrapped!

[CHARLIE]
So what? I like to show my support for the city

[BIG NICK]
Kid, kid, you're sure you wanna buy the underpants?

[CHARLIE]
Actually, you're right. I should try 'em on first

[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Try them on?

[BIG NICK]
You wanna take this pair of unwashed "I Love New York" underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

[CHARLIE]
Yeah. Do you have, like, a fitting room or something?

[BIG NICK]
Uh, sure, we have a fitting room. Hey, Times Square Minion, why don't you show this guy the back of the store, where the people of Times Square habitate?

(Song)
[MINION]
Mascots be shady tonight
[BIG NICK]
Minnie and Elsa will fight

[BATMAN, MINNIE MOUSE, ELSA, ELMO]
If you take a selfie
Then you better give us money

[MINION]
Or I'll show your daughter a knife

(Spoken)
[BIG NICK]
So after seeing that, do you still wanna buy the underwear?

[CHARLIE]
Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest bulge to show that

[MINION]
Of all the items in this store, you see you've made

(Song)
One grave miscalculation
Buying filthy underwear

[BIG NICK]
Bugs, with no hesitation
Will nest in your pubic hair
[MINNIE MOUSE]
One million novelty items and he chose those

[ELSA]
It'd be like shopping at Arby's for pantyhose

[MINION]
One skidmark on the inside
That's not the only stain I see

[BIG NICK]
You'll prob'ly get an STD
So run
Son

[BIG NICK, MINION, BATMAN, MINNIE MOUSE, ELSA, ELMO]
You would have to be psychotic
Or on strong antibiotics
Don't buy those!

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
Dude, they seem really bad even for Times Square

[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Yeah, when do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[SHRIMP LOUIE]
That's what I wanna know

[BIG NICK]
Shrimp Louie, the Bubba Gump Shrimp mascot. I can't believe you're still here, darling

(Song)
[SHRIMP LOUIE]
Where have they gone?
The tourists who came?
Who will eat up all my shrimp and drink spiked lemonade?
Send in the crowds
Those confused German crowds

[MINION]
We miss TKTS
And bad seats for cheap

[SHRIMP LOUIE]
Even Tim Horton's has closed, Canadians weep

[BIG NICK, MINION, BATMAN, MINNIE MOUSE, ELSA, ELMO, SHRIMP LOUIE]
And where are the crowds?

[MINION]
I can't grope without crowds

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Well, I see one guy across the street with binoculars

[BIG NICK]
Oh, that's not a tourist. That's the DIddler on the Roof

(Song)
[DIDDLER]
Strip off your clothes
No one will know
Peek through my legs
And polish my uncut gems

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
This must be why everyone's moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one-room shacks for $900,000

[STATUE OF LIBERTY]
Fools! You don't give up on my city that easy

(Song)
I lived through Warhol, I lived through Bethenny Frankel
And I'm here
Danced for the '86 Mets and broke my ankle
But I'm here

I lived through Times Square filled with whores
Now they're on Sex and the City tours
My first apartment was a drawer
But I'm here

I've been to Nobu, NoHo, and CBGB
And I'm here
Once on the PATH train, I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
And I'm here
Stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I know Son of Sam, the dog could talk
I'd do the marathon, but I walk
And I'm here
Look who's here
I'm still here

(Spoken)
[BIG NICK]
Oh, no! Look who's coming our way! It's that woman from Westchester and she has physical COVID!

(Song)
[WOMAN FROM WESTCHESTER]
The minute I coughed at the press
I knew New Rochelle would try to pin it on me
Superspreader!
Spread a little 'rona with me

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE]
We gotta get away from her

[BIG NICK]
Oh, don't worry. The homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off

[HOMELESS GUY]
Where's Rick Moranis?

[BIG NICK]
Get outta my store, get outta my store

[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Man, this place is nuts, man. I'd move somewhere else, but the whole country's crazy

[BIG NICK]
I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Here, move. Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Don't you realize America is like these underpants? Because--

[DIDDLER]
I get it

[BIG NICK]
No, I know you get it, but let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure, these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease, but they still stand for something: love. That's why I didn't want to sell them, because they give me hope

[MINION]
And I'm especially hopeful now, because we only have

(Song)
Three days more

[BIG NICK]
Three more days to the election
But the results may take months
It feels longer than The Irishman
Boy, that movie needed cuts

[ALL]
Three more days of Instagramming
First these selfies that say vote

[STATUE OF LIBERTY]
Prepare for the worst, so at least make it fast

[ALL]
November third's Election Day
November third's not far away
November third, a Wednesday or a Tuesday
I'm not sure

Why go vote?
What's the point?
It's New York!