[Intro Skit: Chloe Fineman, Jason Bateman, Kyle Mooney & Beck Bennet]
"But the thing I want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, Chase."
Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let's give him that bike and a helmet!
Good thinking, Santa!
Oh, and here's one from Emily. "Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!"
That's exactly what she'll get, huh? Who's next? Rupert?
Um --
Rupert, what is it?
It's just, heh, mine's a little weird
I'm sure it's not that weird. Just read it!
Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa:

[Verse 1: Stu]
Dear Santa, I can't believe the year is almost over
It's getting colder, I'm a year older, but I'm still your soldier
You're my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we're back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won't be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing and hope you still got that magic touch
'Cause gettin' this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Wal-Mart, ran around the shopping mall like Paul Blart
Tried to find one on sale, but the thing is that they're all out
Yo, I even went to a GameStop, but then I was like " Oh, Wait, stop!
"Santa Claus can make one, the man got his own workshop."
I know you prob'ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, Elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don't forget, bring my gift, truly yours, I believe in you
This is Stu
[Hook: Elves]
La la la la la la la
La la la la la

[Verse 2: Stu]
Dear Santa, I noticed you never wrote me a letter back
That's fine, dawg, except not really, I think that's kinda wack
If you can't help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I'll set your ass on fire
Just playin', I still love you, my girl thinks that I'm obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it's the only thing you do
Sincerely yours, Stu—P.S. We should live together, too
Dido

[Hook: Dido]
Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin's Creed on Christmas Day
But he can't buy it himself because he lost his job
'Cause he was stealing from his boss
I'd be worried 'cause he's a scary guy
A scary guy

[Hook: Elves]
Special delivery!
La la la la la la la
La la la la la
[Verse 3: Stu]
Dear Mr. Holly-Jolly-Two-Faced-Son-of-a-Bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great Saint Nick can't track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive?
You ruined Christmas! I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist!
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits!
So this'll be my last letter, I know you'll miss me when I'm gone
Sincerely yours, Stu!
Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Elton John

[Hook: Elton John]
This year, Christmas will be bad
'Cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you very nicely
And now he's really pissed off
I'm just telling you
'Cause I like you a lot
I'm a big fan of Santa Claus
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Spoken Outro]
[ELF 1]
Santa, this is serious!
[RUPERT]
Don't panic, don't panic!

[ELF 1]
I'm freaking out! Aaaah!

[SANTA]
All right, all right, all right! I think it's time I write a letter back to Stu
"Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro. I'm not Santa Claus. Bye-bye!"

[ELF 2]
Damn!

[EMINEM]
What's this? "To Shady, from Santa." That's crazy! A PS5? I didn't even ask for this. I guess Shady must've been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f***** up