NORMAN BATES: Are you tired of slaving away in a dull, dead end job? Fed up with meager paychecks that never stretch quite far enough? Sickened and disgusted by missing out on the good things in life? Hi, I'm Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how you can be your own boss while earning big money in this rapidly expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home in the privacy of your own shower.

[Throughout NORMAN's monologue, the camera pans to a multitude of stuffed animals perched throughout the room. The shots are met to uproarious laughter.]

NORMAN: I'll show you how to run anything, from a tourist home to a modern, multi-unit motor room. You'll receive step by step instructions on how to receive reservations, and how to determine room rates, how to change the linen, and even little-known tricks of the trade, such as how to improve customer relations by giving guests a complimentary newspaper in the morning.

[NORMAN holds up a newspaper to his face, with the screaming headline of SLASHER STRIKES AGAIN. This is met to audience laughter.]

NORMAN: Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security. But, are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz. Question one: a guest loses the key to her room. Would you: A: give her a duplicate key, B: let her in with your pass key, C: hack her to death in the kitchen? Question two: Which of the following is most important in running a successful motel? A: cordial atmosphere, B: courteous service, C: hack her to death in the kitchen? All right, question three: how many--

[NORMAN quickly raises the folded newspaper to his mouth, covering it. The voice of "MOTHER" takes over.]

"MOTHER": Important phone call, Norman.

[NORMAN drops the newspaper to his side and looks away, his voice back to normal. The "MOTHER" personality has vanished.]

NORMAN: What, Mother?

[NORMAN brings the newspaper to his face again, the "MOTHER" personality reigning over his voice and mannerisms.]

"MOTHER": Important phone call.

[The audience roars with laughter. NORMAN drops the newspaper to his side once more.]

NORMAN: Well, I've got to go. I have an important phone call. Just one of dozens that I get every week as a fully qualified motel manager. And if you'd like to become one, too, simply send your name and address to the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, Old Highway, Fairvale, California. There's no obligation whatsoever, and--and no salesman will... call, so--so... y-y-y-you don't have to b-b-b-bother to... lock your door, y'know, you can--you can just... heh heh... leave it off the latch... Or lock it! That's fine, I don't care! I don't care if you lock it! 'Cause I have the keys! I have the keys right here! I have keys to room one, and I have the keys to room two, and I have the keys to room three--
[While NORMAN has been speaking, he's been running his hands through the keys where they hang on the wall behind him. The audience roars with laughter. Abruptly, he leans forward and slams his hand down on the bell before bringing the newspaper to his face once more, the "MOTHER" personality regaining control.]

"MOTHER": Norman!

[More laughter from the audience. NORMAN brings the newspaper in front of him.]

NORMAN: Coming, Mother.

[NORMAN leaves the room, to much audience applause.]