Kenan: [singing] Stop it, yeah I’m talking to you
I said stop it, this is long overdue
Because we never said that we support you
You must pay us to use our songs, Donald, because of all your lies
We’re playing hardball and we got a surprise
He’s a lawyer who you might recognize
He is Alan Dershowitz
He’s gonna send you a cease and desist
Get ready for a cease and desist
Alan knows where you been, yeah he knows what you’ve seen
On that island with Epstein

[Colin Jost stands]
Colin Jost: Hey, hey, hey. [music stops] Hold on. You can’t just say that

Kenan: What? I mean, why? It’s just music, man. We’ll just sing it

Colin Jost: No, because that’s a really serious allegation. Also, isn’t Alan Dershowitz for Trump?

Kenan: Oh, he flipped

Colin Jost: And do all of you feel the same way about this? I mean you’re all from different walks of life, right?

All: Yes

Kenan: I mean it’s kind of complicated. You see…
[music playing] [singing] The soldier said that you let him down
And the gay man said you don’t want him around
And the native is sick with covid-Colin Jost9
Only the construction workers still believe
[the construction worker with them is wearing a MAGA t-shirt]

Although he is only one man
He must comply with all of our demands
So we voted and came up with a plan
We will strike at any moment
I promise you we will shave Ivanka’s head
You’re damn right we’re gonna shave Ivanka’s head
We’ll set up a fake salon, yeah it won’t be that hard
And she’ll look like a leprechaun

[Colin Jost stands again]
Colin Jost: Hey! Hey! Stop. Wait. You’re saying you’re going to shave Ivanka’s head? You can’t just say that. That’s gotta be a felony

Kenan: Hey, man. Everything is legal if you sing it in a song

Colin Jost: That’s not true. Village People everyone

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight