I was sittin' on a stump down in New Orleans
I was feelin' kinda low down, dirty an' mean
Along come a fella and he didn't even ask
He said, "I know of a woman who can fix you up fast."

Well I didn't think twice, I just said like I should
"Let's go find this lady who can do me some good."
We walked across Rampart on a sailin' spree
And we come to a door called one-oh-three

I's just about ready to give my little knock
When out comes a fella who couldn't even walk
He's linkin' and a-slinkin', couldn't stand on his feet
And he moaned and he groaned and he shuffled down the street

Well, out of the door there comes another man
He couldn't even talk and he couldn't even stand
He moaned and he groaned and he shuffled his feet
And he slid slidin' backwards down on Rampart street

Well, I peeked thru the key hole and comin' down the hall
Was a long legged man who could hardly crawl
He had a terrible mean look in his eye
Like he'd just fall to burn, he's was ready to die

Well somebody else with his hell of a miss
Fell out of the window and he fell the test
Well he slid and he slunk in broken french
And he looked like he'd been thru a monkey wrench
Well, by this time I was a-scared to knock
I was a-scared to move, I's in a state of shock
I hummed a little tune and I shuffled my feet
And I started walkin' backwards down Rampart street

Well, I got to the corner I tried my best smile
I turned around the corner and I ran a bloody mile
Man, I wasn't around for to meet my wife
I's just a-runnin' for to save my life

Well, I's coughin' in my ears and wheezin' in my chest
I musta run a mile in a minute or less
I tripped on a log and I flumped on a stump
I caught a fast freight train with a one-arm jump

So if you're travellin' down Louisiana way
And you're feelin' kinda lonesome and you need a place to stay
Man, you're better off in your misery
Than to tackle that lady in one-oh-three