[Verse 1]
Well, I was feelin’ sad and kind of blue
I didn’t know what in the world I was gonna do
Them Communists they was comin’ around
They were in the air
They were on the ground
They were all over

[Verse 2]
So I ran down most hurriedly
And joined the John Birch Society
I got me a secret membership card
Went back to my backyard
And started lookin' on the sidewalk
'Neath the rose bush

[Verse 3]
Well, I was lookin’ everywhere for them gol-darned Reds
I got up in the mornin’ ’n’ lookеd under my bed
Looked bеhind my kitchen, behind the door
Even tore loose the kitchen floor
I couldn’t find any

[Verse 4]
I looked beneath the sofa, beneath the chair
Lookin' form them Reds everywhere
I looked way up my chimney hole
I even looked deep down inside my toilet bowl
They got away
[Verse 5]
I heard some footsteps by the front porch door
So I grabbed my shotgun from the floor
I snuck around the house with a huff and a hiss
Sayin' "Hands up, you Communist!"
It was the mailman
He punched me out

[Verse 6]
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone
I got a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered there was red stripes on the American flag
Did you know about Betsy Ross?

[Verse 7]
Well, I was sittin’ home alone an’ I started to sweat
I figured they was in my television set
I peeked behind the picture frame
And got a shock from my feet that hit my brain
Them Reds did it
The ones on the "Hootenanny"

[Verse 8]
Well, I fin’ly started thinkin’ straight
When I run outa things to investigate
I couldn’t imagine doin’ anything else
So now I’m sittin’ home investigatin’ myself
Hope I don’t find out too much, good God