[Intro]
Gather around, children
Let me tell a tale as old as time itself

[Verse]
A small town sounds quiet as night falls
Clouds hang high up in the sky like tight balls
Observed in silence by the hero that South Park deserves
It's so clear that shit's about to get perverted
If you're of a sensitive disposition
You'd better avert your eyes
This noble coalition's only mission's
Shifting merchandise
And nipping a bit off the top of the profits
As if they were circumsized
We like our gherkins sliced
Supersize the burgers, fries
And milkshake
Our balls are touching in an epic way when worlds collide
Observe the human kite traverse the skies
Presumably carrying some sort of irreconcilable burden that hurts inside
Like when a person dies, or a deflowered virgin cries
This work requires a certain type of individual
Who's willing to do things which oppugn what is permissible
Speak the unthinkable, even if it's unforgivable
It is just irresistible to piss off PC principal
The fate of the race may soon depend
On a group of mutants who defend
The right to be rude, to be crude, offend
Who's the crew in question? Coon and Friends
To the end, it's true, not imaginary
There's no need to pretend
Superheroes are super popular
And we need cash, let's use the trend
A civil war: Several children versus several more
Swivel on my middle finger while I do the devil horns
A cape and costume made of stuff from mummy's knicker drawer
Latex is known to chafe, it may just make your nipples sore
We vigilantes, shift the ante
Shit hits the fan, poor Mr Hanky (hidey ho!)
You're gonna need a Christmas Plan B
You've been exposed, we've ripped your panties
This isn't a game now, it's Jumanji
So pick a faction that'll tickle your fancy
Then amp up the heat of the hell's kitchen
Kids curse more than a certain Mr Ramsey
Sex, pistols, Sids and Nancies
Rotten, Johnnies, filth and anarchy
Swindles, Banshees
And out of date pop culture references to antiques
Superhero v. reckless trolls
I'm a super cereal breakfast bowl
You're next on the checklist though
Getting cancelled like Kenny's Netflix show
Prove the theory on who's Mysterion
If you can't do it, you're a stupid idiot
Buckle up for a new experience
Like a boat full of homeless Syrians
I know this is serious
And it's gonna make motherfuckers furious
But I come from the school where the rule
Is that anything goes if it's hilarious
Mosquito, Toolshed, Tupperware
They'll do whatever they've got to do if it's a double dare
Mint Berry Crunch will punch you with sugar
'Til you crash so hard, people passing by rubberneck
Fucking heck, such swearing's needless
Like the port for Kinect or your penis
Bitch please, Twitch streamers
We're real heroes, you're just Dreamers
Sorry, that was a momentary lapse of control
You could say my state of mind is kind of fractured but whole
In that it's greater than the sum of its parts
Just like the culinary arts
Or the sight and sound and smell of a bum when it farts
That was a fart joke
Hilarious
Although there's dark smoke you can't toke
On it you might choke
Only a hard bloke can face Professor Chaos
Or he might rip out your heart as if you are an artichoke
[Outro]
Shit ending, don't care
Fuck you, Ubisoft
Pay me
Capitalism in action