Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest
Get it off your chest

Every year when my son's school sends out their class list with parents' names
The first thing I do is Google them
To see what they paid for their apartments

Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest

I secretly like almost everything that Goop sells
I don't know what to do with batteries
So I just throw them in the river
I give bigger tips to unattractive peoplе

Get it, get it off your chest
Gеt it, get it off your chest

I count anxiety dreams as workin' out
And I can't count the number of times I called my Alexa a cunt (Neither can we)
Sometimes when I'm driving, I close my eyes
And count to five, just to see what happens

Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest
I'd like to think I'm a hero
But I bet when the apocalypse comes
I'll be one of those losers
Who needs to be dragged around on a sled
I only like people who like me but be careful
If you like me too much, it has the opposite effect
And I'll find you desperate
I don't trust stand-up comics who are too in shape

Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest

I haven't listened to a voice mail since 2013

Okay, here's a genuine question
Are all people with red hair and freckles morning people?
Because I swear I've never seen one at night
Show me a redhead at night!

Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest

I once masturbated in a hospital bed
Is it bad that some of the best times I've had with my son
Are when he has a little fever? (It's a little bad)
He's so calm and cuddly
There's a type of euphoria that can only be reached by
Dragging a foot with athlete's foot vigorously across a carpet
I don't know what escrow means
Does anyone know what escrow means? (No idea)

Get it, get it off your chest
Get it, get it off your chest

That's all I have, because I'm perfect
No, wait, I lived in Usher's guesthouse for two years
He never knew, he never knew
Ha!