[Intro: Patchy]
Let me begin with a hearty-ho-ho!
And a tale that nobody tells well
I've not come all the way from EN-C-I-N-O
To be treated like sewage that smells
I'm certainly not that surprised
For this story is older than time...
Me peglegged pirating brethren and I
Are society's slug-ridden slime...

[Verse 1: Patchy]
Ooh, we've all been cast out as scallywag rogues
With fire in our beards and our eyes
There's a side to us pirates that nobody knows
And it's soft as a baby's backside
Some of us just want adventures
The open-sea wind in our earrings
Why are we constantly misunderstood?
Don't you know pirates have feelings?

[Chorus: Patchy, Pirates, Both]
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH!
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH!
Poor pirates!
Can't deny this simple truth...
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH...
People too... (Too, too, too)
[Post-Chorus: Patchy, Pirates]
Nice harmonies, mateys!
Argh-argh-mateys!

[Verse 2: Patchy, Pirates, Both]
Think of how hard we have had it (So hard!)
Out on ships, there is not much to eat (Not much to eat)
And dentists hate pirate insurance (Yo-ho-no!)
Which is why we've so many gold teeth... (We've too many gold teeth)
Me laundry stays damp and me boots start to stink
And me fingernails filthy and dirty...
Me internet loads unbelievably slow
And me bedtime's around 7:30!

[Chorus: Patchy, Pirates, Both]
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH! (P-O-O-poor)
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH! (P-O-O-poor)
Poor pirates!
Can't deny this simple truth
We're poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH! (P-O-O-R)
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH... (P-O-O-)
Poor pirates!
Have it so much worse that you... (You, you, you...)

[Bridge: Pirates, Patchy, Potty the Parrot, Both]
We've got pirate parades to which nobody comes
Captain Kidd hosts a marathon but nobody runs
Long John Silver invented the bloomin' onion
But you think he gets credit for that?! (No!)
Captain Bob Hook, no one knows his first name
And old Greenbeard's been driven completely insane
Hardly anyone celebrates our one holiday
Arr... Talk Like a Pirate Day! We argh!!
[Chorus: Patchy, Pirates, Both]
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH!
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH!
Poor pirates!
Can't deny this simple truth... (Can't deny that we're poor)
(Pirates are people too!)
We're poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH! (Argh...whoO!!!)
Poor pirates, P-O-O-ARGH...
Poor pirates!
Can't deny this simple truth...
That pirates, P-O-O-ARGH...
People too....
Yo ho! Hah!