[Verse 1]
Don't smoke, don't fight, don't light no cigarettes
Or else you'll wind up in the can
No jokes, don't write, sit tight, don't fool around
You are a guest of Uncle Sam
Stand up, look right, don't slouch and stand at ease
Allow no sex above the knees
And when I snap, you jump into the master plan

[Pre-Chorus]
I'll be damned
Well, I'll be damned

[Chorus]
I'll be damned if I drink or smoke
Damned if I steal your joke
I'll be damned if I go for broke
Damned if I do, damned if I don't

[Verse 2]
Don't talk, don't fool, don't try to mess around
I'll make a monkey out of you
You sign your name right on that dotted line

[Pre-Chorus]
Boy, I'll be damned
[Chorus]
I'll be damned if I drink or smoke
Damned if I steal your joke
I'll be damned if I go for broke
Damned if I do, damned if I don't

[Guitar Solo]

[Chorus]
I'll be damned if I drink or smoke
Damned if I steal your joke
I'll be damned if I go for broke
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't
I'll be damned if I drink or smoke
Damned if I steal your joke
I'll be damned if I go for broke
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't
I'll be damned
I'll be damned
I'll be damned

[Outro]
I'll be damned
I'll be damned
I'll be damned