I was 22 back in the 90s
Up in Ohio was where you could find me
But I'm headed down to New Orleans, and I got 2 of my friends beside me
We were poor so we were staying out in Slidell
And I had just gotten my credit card in my mail
So I got us a rental car that went real fast and drove real far
It was a red Mustang GT, way nicer than my Buick from 1983
It was BA and fast as what
I'm feelin feeling high and looking for love
So we head down to Pat O'Brien's and I spot some girls as we stand in line and I tell this cute girl that I'm pre-med
Coulda told her the truth, but I lied instead

[Chorus]

Cuz I'm not a real doctor, the kind that gives meds away
I'm a self-proclaimed doctor, like Dr. Dre
In New Orleans, I'm just trying to get some love today
And I'll admit it when I said I lied to her
I'm not a real doctor
Not the kind that does surgery, I transformed into a doctor so she'd flirt with me, now I know it won't be long before shes deserting me because she gon find out certainly, I lied to her
I'm not a real doctor

Now everything is going great, I'm doctor... Dr. Lovejones and I found my date
Plus I play college football, that why she chose us
So I buy this girl a dozen roses
And we sat down at a table for 6 and I pay some man to come take our pic
There's a couple guys playing dueling pianos
Bouta find my love down in Louisiana
And we sat there and drank hurricanes for a few more hours until we're going insane
She's sitting on my lap and shes kissing me drunk
Smells like tobacco and cherries and I'm falling in love
Is it the lip balm she's wearing or her cigarettes
The whole room spinning round
I'm in over my head
When all of a sudden, my best friend Jalopy says
I'm not a real doctor
I'm only a copy
[Chorus]

So I'm not a real doctor, the kind that gives meds away
I'm a self-proclaimed doctor, like Dr. Dre
In New Orleans, I'm just trying to get some love today
And I'll admit it when I said I lied to you
I'm not a real doctor
Not the kind that does surgery, I transformed into a doctor so you'd flirt with me, and I knew it wouldn't be long before yous deserting me because you gon find out certainly, I lied to you
I'm not a real doctor

Now the girls are creeped out so they walkin away
And I'm mad at _____ I got nothing to say
My best friend sold me out, my whole life is a lie
Yeah I just told these girls I'm a regular guy
Oh and regular guys don't get love from girls like you
Yeah regular guys don't get love from girls like you you you you

Then my friends left me alone in New Orleans
They're mad because I'm screaming and drunk off a ten hurricanes
I wander the streets of New Orleans alone as I think to my self
Why why why why I even came to this place
New Orleans, you spit in my face
Then some may creeps out of an alley and askes me for a cigarette
I see the dirt in his nails, I can smell the Jim Bean on his breath
Something in my gut tells me this man yeah this man is looking for sex
He's probably already got 20 victims and I'm about to be his next
So I run like the wind down Burbon Street, yes I run with the speed of a bear
I hear whistles from bystanders as I pass by and the wind well it jostles my hair
I look over my shoulder the old man is close, yeah hes quick, hes gaining some ground
Now he finally up on my heels as he grabs for my coat and he spins me around
He says "Young man, please don't be scared for I am your friend
I abandoned my young son Jalopy when he was just 10
And I've searched high and low for Jalopy ever since then
And my search for Jalopy has brought me to New Orleans again"
Then Jalopy comes round the corner in that red Mustang
As he spots the old man I can see his eyes swell up with pain
He says "Dad, you look older, but somehow you look the same"
The old man says, "No son no, I've got a sickness deep down in my soul, broken heard since the day that I left
I can't get this weight up off of my chest
I got heart disease and gum disease
And I've got lice and I've got fleas
I've got HIVs and Malarial, and I think I've got diphtheria
And I get migraines every day so I pop pills to stop my pain
But the guilt don't ever go away
No, I don't go a single day without regret for what I've done
I've left behind my only son
Jalopy don't you know your daddy loves you"
And then the old man turns to me and askes me would I help him please, he hear I was a doctor
Oh no
[Chorus]
Cuz I'm not a real doctor, the kind that gives meds away
I'm a self-proclaimed doctor, like Dr. Dre
In New Orleans, I'm just trying to get some love today
And I'll admit it when I said I lied to her
I'm not a real doctor
Not the kind that does surgery, I transformed into a doctor so she'd flirt with me, now I know it won't be long before shes deserting me because she gon find out certainly, I lied to her
I'm not a real doctor