[Verse 1: Andy Samberg]
After the club is the after party
After the party is the hotel lobby
After that, you know it's Dom and Cris
And after that, I say, 'Excuse me, miss'
And after that, we goin' back to the room
And after that, she's gonna leave real soon
And after that, I crack one more beer
And after that, I just stare in the mirror
And after that, I start freakin' out
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Call up my mom and get my cry on
I order room service, get my apple pie on
And after that, I just walk the streets
A homeless dude throws up on my feet
And I see just how pointless life is
Full-on existential crisis
Tear off my clothes and scream at the sky
Fall to my knees and ask God "Why?"

[Chorus: Santigold]
This nightlife is killing me
I think I'm losing my mind
I yearn to fly, yet I sink
Cristal and tears is my drink
[Verse 2: Andy Samberg]
After that, I drive into the hills
And trade my car for a bottle of pills
And after that, I'm on a vision quest
Put my mind, body, and soul to the test
And after that, I meet my totem spirit
It's a rattlesnake, so I have to kill it
Then I drink all his blood and steal his powers
And slither around in the dirt for hours
And after that I start jerking off
Up on a mountain, jerking off
Down by the river, jerking off
And that's when I have my epiphany
You can't spend your whole life jerking off
And after that, I'm going back to the city

[Chorus: Santigold]
This nightlife is killing me
No more jerking off
Fate only knows what's in store
Crystalline tears for me no more

[Verse 3: Andy Samberg]
And after that, I clean up my life
Join AA to make it right
And after that, I get my thirty day chip
And after that, I go celibate
And after that, I'm a whole new man
Brew kombucha in my hybrid van
I give my life to meditation
Then sleep with a whore at a Greyhound station
And after that, I have a full relapse
Then lose my hand in a game of craps (Aaah!)
And after that, everyone calls me Claw
And after that, I work for Tim McGraw (Hey!)
And after that, I pass out in a sewer
Meet a giant fish, fuck his brains out
And after, that I'm filled with shame
No one but myself to blame
Nothing in my heart but pain
And next week we're gonna do it again!
[Chorus: Santigold]
This nightlife's got it's hooks in me
I'm back to jerking off
I tried but could not break free
Crystalline tears return to me

[Bridge: Santigold]
Started in the club, then he moved to the Hills
Then he freaked out and drank snake blood
Got himself clean, now back in the club
And that's what happened in this song
Crystalline tears, this playboy life's too much for me

[Outro: Andy Samberg]
After the club is the after party
After the party is the hotel lobby
Stuck in a cycle I just can't win
And after that, it all happens again