[Round 1: Shuffle-T]
So I've got another old dude to battle
But he is surely older
His knees are really weak you see, he keeps on falling over
His liver's ruptured, it's pretty fucked and it's been performing slower
So if he says he wants a piece of me it's because he needs an organ donor
That teacher after school on a weekday swag
Everything you own - TK Maxx
In your Vauxhall Nova with the seat laid back
Cause he's slipped more discs than a DJ has
So since you're such a properly old prick
Let's take it back to when you were a more commonly known kid
Cause even then you were just a follower to Osh', Rikk
But you were part of a duo with a comic approach, shit
Comic duo called Steve & Rikky, that's obviously noted
The same names as the guys that got The Office to blow big
And got popular so quick which got them on those gigs
So this is like when Gervais split off into showbiz to follow his own shit
With his inconsistent comedy road trips
Cause if you hear a hotline and the quality don't mix
That's Steven's Merchant, he probably wrote it
See someone needs to give this Scouser a hand
Because I don't want to let the cat out of the bag
But in Liverpool he's the weakest out of the clan
He's either baby Oshea or the Calcium man
Cause you and Osh' probably write your battles together as partners
So you've got Oshea there, who's an actual technical grafter
The bars he gives to you always gather hysterical laughter
The bars you give to him are the bars where he looks at the camera and says, "terrible" after
And yet he's acting like he's killing these kid MCs, you sicken me
Like everyone around you is in Little League, Rikky please
Your shitty frees and similes make Ricky C's in Distinction, Leeds
Look like Chrissy Lees' delivery versus Tricky P's best written scheme
See you look like Mr Bean
Crossed somehow with Austin Powers, fucking man of mystery
You promote the imagery that British people have shitty teeth
Listen please, Listerine
So you're fucked if you're thinking Ricky's cool
His style is still in middle school
I know we're in your city's rule, but you'll get your innards ripped and pulled
I roll them into little balls, go over and grip the chalk
Throw them on the table and we can all play liver-snooker!
[Round 1: Rikky Riley]
So, he's mentioning me and Oshea and we both know that Oshea's best
But Oshea's making a new album and he says I can be on it, so he says
But we all know I'm really unlikely to cut it in terms of successfully battling Shuffle-T because I believe what his missus said that time he left the headboard slimed
See after she'd recovered she stuck her head out of the covers and noted: "You've come such a long way in such a short time."
You'd get on better with her if the sex was good
And if you didn't look exactly like the naughty one out of The Breakfast Club
If you used a face trimmer, you'd be the spit of Ace Rimmer
Your missus' massive clit's probably the only time you've ever tasted a kipper
You're horrible multi schemes are most definitely very shit
And they're more self-indulgent than the entire filmography of Kevin Smith
It's not my job to tell you when to stop
But if I had to hazard a guess
I'd say each of your verses is three stories too many, like sweat shops in Bangladesh
You're sort of in love with the the most whorish of sluts
That can factually be said
Plus it's true that she's had scores on her bum, she's quite sore in her cunt
Cause many a man has passed her cash to perform sexual acts
Now that must torture you son, but here's a thought for you son
Since her gash is expensive it's probably true that
Since performing with cum is her source of income ,that probably exempts her from the bedroom tax
Now, this guy performs in Heads In Hats, which is some kind of comedy group, they're online, they do have "fan"
I don't know which sketch I enjoyed more, the one that was a rip off of Nathan Barley or the ones that were a rip off of Brasseye and Jam
See if you want to so obviously rob the wit of Chris Morris
Why not just drop into his office and nick a script from it - it'd be a bit more honest
Plus it would probably be funny too, so er yeah, why not
But the worst thing about you Adam, is when you kick a footy lad, your shoe flies off
[Round 2: Shuffle-T]
We're in Liverpool, so you might be winning with the crowd
But what does it matter when you have your lyrics written on your hands?
See you're past it, mate cause you went far away
Heard Don't Flop was hitting the larger stage and thought you'd come back stab for a part of fame
Claiming out loud that he's got bars for days
Well we don't want you back, you're past your stay
My fist's about to hit into it's target same
Thing is my palm will leave blood on this bastard's face
But believe that it will son (Wilson) when you get Castaway
Cause you're rapping is basic at it's peak
And always about some weird masturbation fantasy
I want you to be made an amputee so you can maybe have a week off of your daily wanking spree
Before it leads to your death like the famous hanging scene of David Carradine
This ugly guy is a shredded mess
You remind me of that weird uncle I could never get
When I saw the way this uninspired fella's dressed
The fucking line that comes to mind is uninvited wedding guest
And pretty soon, you're gonna find you're second best to the other guy who pens his text
And soon he will have cut his ties and headed west and you'll fucking die a depressive mess
But you battled for Pete Cashmore
To fight depression, to find a cure for those emotions
And you're the fucking spokesman?
And the fucking awful stuff you'd spoken, that was more of a promotion
So take advice and lessons
You should change your style of presence
Your bars are sweet, they'll harm your teeth and make you diabetic
I'll slay this guy so say goodbye to the place you'll die your death in
Cause this was 3-0 after the second hit like I aced you twice in tennis
Cause real talk, the only way that you could win around
Is if you do that shit again and get your ukulele out
I mean he got out a ukulele in a rap battle, and called that a classic match
Yeah, Rikk Riley we are glad to have you back
See that's why I thought you'd be hard to beat cause you sway the voters round
But that's not artistry, your path is weak, I'll explain it open now
He'll make you laugh with these retarded frees
It's the way he's broken down
But regardlessly, you play cards with me I take the Jokers out
Bitch, time
[Round 2: Rikky Riley]
Now, hello
Let's get down to brass tax, like prostitution strategies
This guy has studied Film and I wonder why that'd be
You probably learned from Stephen Spielberg that plagiarism's the best form of flattery
And then probably picked up some grooming tips off of Roman Polansky
But what can I say, what about me, I could have been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am
But, yes you had me at hello buy frankly my dead I don't give a damn
It's like your mama always said: 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gunna get
So I made her an offer she couldn't refuse, now here's looking at you kid
I am your father
If you didn't get those film references then you must have your head in the clouds like Simba's dad
The chances of you coming up with anything original are about as likely as Nelson Mandela giving a Christmas wank to English Frank
So I don't know if I mentioned The Bible before
I'm sorry for suggesting there's a bit of scripture you're in
Adam, we all know in Genesis you couldn't even come up with an original sin
Your mother paid far too much for her loft conversion
And she didn't even bring it up after because she didn't want to upset the workmen
You can come up with all this shit about my fucking shit bars
But I'm really not arsed
You're not so much Nicki Minaj as you are Nigel Farage
Oh yeah, fresh out of Berkshire
Oh my those turbulent streets full of fox hunters and safe Conservative seats
We all know which way you probably cast your votes
The only time you probably ever choked was the time you found out Thatcher had that massive stroke
I know you were trying to hope that she was on the mend
But isn't your hairstyle from the first series of Friends
Now it's time for me to end and I do want to finish with congratulating you on all your battles, and each one you've won
But will it ever really make up for that time you called your teacher mum?

[Round 3: Shuffle-T]
Now though your bars are lacking miserably
You make up for that with your heart attack delivery
What are you laughing at? Seriously, just calm it down - you're killing me
Nah far from that, I'm kidding see
You've got Mars Attack delivery
Starter pack delivery
Seen you swagging like Neil Buchanon, you've got Art Attack delivery
Cause your rhythm is fucked, he kind of goes for the quick bits
And slows really quickly like your flow is encrypted
And I thought he'd call me posh, that's a pose I predicted
But you're middle-class Scouse, didn't know they existed
And most of his limericks just don't make sense
That just shows you were sniffing hits of cocaine gets
And although you envision him a home-made vet
In my home we consider him as Oshea's pet
See this is devastation, if I win this it's expected, I'll have a drink and never say shit
If he wins this, he'll probably fucking sniff his medication
Thank all his co-writers for their skill and dedication
Grab hold of Oshea's dick in celebration
And put it up himself like a Christmas decoration
Now I know what you're thinking, "Why is The Undertaker beefing?"
But if you think Shuffle's faking, suffocation, fucking take his breathing
I'm Southern mate, believe it
You're North, let's take that to some other region
What's a Summer's day in Giza to a Hurricane Katrina
See my knuckles break his teeth like an unbuckled baby seat
Without the fucking safety features I will break his face to pieces
Cause this prick is pretty picky
See I had to visit Rikky's city to battle a war
But of all the cities I was actually glad it was yours
Cause now at least when I beat you down to the floor
You can use the round of applause from the crowd of support
I'll win this throw down regardless of hometown advantage
So let's address the rest of his character flaws
Like that dangling jaw
From the cocaine and all of the crap that you snort
Fucking drags to the floor like an anchor that's dragging you back to the shore
When you travel abroad
That is deformed
And all of that coke's got him living a lie like his religion is Scientology
Cause he's big when he's high but when he's missing the white it's like they hit him with nine lobotomies
See he's in a disguise, he's really different inside, you know he's timid and quiet, obviously
So sniffing the white exposes the clit that you hid, see you're witnessing gynecology
So if I signal it's time and the decision is mine, well then that's simple that's fine, it's honesty
But deliberately lying, go and give it to Wiley, I'll be listening to my apology
If you're thinking this guy is really winning tonight, then this is a silent robbery
That's a victim-less crime until I'm killing this guy, for stealing from private property
Time

[Round 3: Rikky Riley]
Alright, you're talking about hometown advantage, well let's sort that out right now mate
Everybody, I think Manchester's a wonderful place
Now, if David Duchovny got a baby with Rodney Trotter by combining their genes through some third party surrogate
If that baby was brought up to be smug it'd probably grow up to be exactly the same as Shuffle-T
Oh man, what about your fucking bird man, she is fucking disgusting
She is such a hipster slag, when she goes on cam with fifty lads she insists they tint the jizz on Instagram
I will roll your back up tight like a fucking amonyte
You've probably never even had a fight, have you you bag of shite?
Well nor have I, so what you fucking That cherite
Have you ever fucking ran a night? Put all sorts of tracks online?
Formed your own battle style that's not just jacking mine?
See, how can you have good comic delivery but when your whole persona is just a massive lie
Everyone knows that I've been that eccentric guy on Don't Flop since when it was on in Black and White
I've been smashing mics at battle nights in so far back in time
That I've actually had to battle knights
Here's an example of what that was like
Thou art a blaggard, sir
Thou art a blaggard, sir
Thy varicose visage is the most irksome in all of Chichester village
Thy missed the scripts from britches to stitchless in literally minutes
Lugubrious labia line the length of thy trachea
And yet, between my armoury and thine ancestry, I cannot discern the rapier
And your companions doth churlishly swagger
But we all know Marlo met his end at the tip of a dagger
So I would there were a plague upon both your houses
And should thou escape from this home of scousers
Then take up arms againsteth me
As thou mother takes an arm up her wretched seam
As thou father presents his arse to thee
And begs thou commenceth archery
So welcome, to this Liver Port
As thou bird invites all to ride her form
And if you are unhappy then strike me for I fear no man
And that, you thieving bastard is how you go HAM