[Round 1: Shuffle T]
So here we are
The pretty boy of battle rap...versus Heretic
Heretic...
Your dreads are shit
Looks like you've made a hat out of a jellyfish
Smooth-skinned cunt
I would delve in your past, but what are you, 12 and a half? I just had my 25th
You rap about how you're meant to be in bed at 6 but stay up late 'till 7-ish
That's why your pantomime over performance is meant for kids like Peppa Pig
You think you're undefeated, mate, the adults just let you win
We don't even have events until you've exited the premises, Heretic
You're on the precipice of getting sick
But until you take your own style and develop it, you'll never stick
See, I see you up on stage
Words that I would use
Verses I would do
Terms that I would choose
It's like looking in a fucking mirror
One that urbanizes you
Some people have a style and other rappers copy them
Some see it somewhat as an accomplishment
Others even see it as a massive compliment
I happen to see it as a lack of confidence
And that's exactly what I've got from fucking Harry Robinson
And being Vegan is shit, mate
I know cause I was one for 9 months
But now I'm a vegetarian, I remember the pleasures of a light lunch
Eggs? Cheese?
Yes, please
Fry ups? Wetherspoons does a fake sausage, which is a nice touch
If you're gonna be vegan keep it to yourself like Fight Club
Don't bend over backwards like a high jump to make sure everyone knows you're a right cunt
Hate vegans these days
They just show about not eating eggs and dairy
And how it's so much better than being vegetarian
He thinks I've betrayed him since turning veggie
So now I'm at events with a Dairylea Dunker, and a couple light snacks
I get the death stare as he squeezes his hummus fried wrap
Every bread stick dunked is a knife into the fucking guy's back
So now I'm walking on eggshells...and he doesn't like that
Not even Lisa Simpson went to veganism
You know what rhymes with "veganism?"
"Ohh look at me, I'm different!"
I hate your type
"Hi, Harry. Vegan."
I know, says it on your shirt and your fucking Twitter bio
I feel bad to whoever's giving this guy a ride though
Cause you'll be hearing about Cowspiracy the entire drive home
You arrogant, prissy, untalented, shitty, backpacking-through-Chile-to-Panama-City-and-Papua-New-Guinea, unnaturally pretty, throwback to the 60's, embarrassing hippie!
You and your girlfriend know what being vegan's about
So the sex must be awkward, cause your penis must count
So she's not allowed your meat in her mouth
And you're breaking your morals by eating her out
You save an extra couple of lives a month
That doesn't mean you have the Midas touch, gives you the right to judge, or be a giant cunt
Live and let live and lighten up and stop trying to enlighten us
Your entire fucking diet's fucked
So let's play a game called "I'm a cunt"
For everyday you don't consume cheese, I'm going to eat twice as much
You're gonna lose, and everybody in the club knows
I'll slit this cunt's throat til the blood goes
And spills the front row
You will never win, aye, still be fun though
[Round 1: Heretic]
You battled: shoes, biscuits, a stick and a can of Fanta
I'm sure you thought they were all immaculate concepts
But recently we see you lose man, Bulletz, Unan'
Just the fact that you got stretched so they can say you're good
But truth is in a battling context, you've beaten less rappers than you have inanimate objects
You could get a message from Eurgh like, "Hey do you want to battle Lunar C?"
He'd be like, "I'm on a bit of a losing streak. No human's please
Just put me on stage and I'll spit a brutal scheme against a tube of sweets
That way I'll never fucking lose in three."
See that title match, that would've been a classic for certain
But when DNA & K-Shine cancelled it worsened
Cause you dragged a random fan on stage to stand silently and handle the burden
So the only solo battle you've won in two years was against an inanimate person
It just reflects on Shuffle in an extra worse way
Cause that 2 on 2 would've looked great for your rep and work rate
But you battled solo and ended up with the most disliked video from the 7th Birthday
Let me put that in perspective...Rob Wilson's third round was during 7th Birthday
And that's why here's here without Marlo, his palms are sweaty
Cause without his help your casket's ready
With his help you're only paid half the levee
So your aids got you priced out Martin Shkreli
You battled street guys for irony that's what this guy knows best
But you gotta tread carefully like a tightrope stretch
Or they'd put a hole in his cap like a biro pen
Cause Adam plays a weak villain like Kylo Ren
See I said you're one thing like another thing, man I write so fresh
And would you stop calling yourself "Neo"
You should know you're not the one cause your dress code
Still I guess it makes sense that Bulletz leaned you in that trench coat
And you switched faces like the agents
So it looks like the real you never got hit
Just wait til the pretty one pops up at a different angle like, "Dodge this"
[Round 2: Shuffle T]
You said I'm not as good without Marlo, what can you do?
To be honest with you, probably true
Let's not fuck around we all know it
So I ran into someone recently in a Starbucks who I suspect is a fan of his
Cause he went, "Ah Don't Flop. Do you know when the next Heretic battle is?"
I went, "Who, sorry?"
He went, "You know Heretic, ah the feminine activist
Always pushing gay and lesbian marriages
Has a moral problem with almost everything that exists."
I went, "Oh you mean Liv Wynter."
He went, "No it's a bloke" I went, "Oh you mean Liv Wynter."
He went, "No no no, he's a vegan. You always see him at events with a carrot stick
Got one of those vegetable bag of crisps
Wouldn't dream of having buttered bread on his sandwiches just lettuce and radishes
Obsessed with marijuana."
I said, "Oh that narrows it down mate, nice one."
He went, "No, no but he's obsessed with it for hemp not cannabis
He has dreads on his head to pretend he's an anarchist
Definite pacifist
Checking the back of his medicine cabinets because he disagrees with most modern medical practices
Cause of ethical barriers when they test it on rabbits and he doesn't agree with that depth of analysis."
I went, "What?" He went, "Don't worry
Only person from Birmingham who says garages instead of just gar-ages."
I said, "I don't know who you mean mate."
He said, "Oh come on, he stole your style. Uh but I guess with an added twist
Cause he's posh but goes street whenever he fancies it
He even stole the face you use for bars you get a reaction with."
I said, "Mate, are you aware that all of this is rhyming?"
He said, "Yes, well I have a gift."
I said, "Well no I mean, you definitely practiced this."
He went, "No it's all freestyle."
I went, "Whatever mate that can sit
Look that's an impressively massive list but I still don't know who this Heretic rapper is."
He said, "C'mon you know him, uh...uh...Danny Jaqq's mate."
I went, "Oh Heretic, yes sorry. Heretic. Yeah yeah, yeah
That's the guy who in um, Sheffleld I'm clashing with
Suppose I better get practicing and getting some angles in
I didn't know any of that was him
I might even end up using this conversation verbatim when I eventually battle him"
He went, "Ahh that's classic Marlo mate."
I went, "I'm not Marlo I'm Shuffle T."
Awkward silence
He said, "Sorry mate that's very embarrassing."
I said, "Don't worry mate, it's actually regularly happening."
Stood there for a second just panicking, tense as a mannequin
He went, "So um...what does Heretic actually mean? Is it to do with the heritage that you're with?"
I said, "No, no. I think it's to do with going against all the passages
You know biblical stuff and being rebellious maverick
And also these days I guess it's a satirist."
He went, "Oh yeah, sick."
I went, "What are you just here for a coffee?"
He went, "Yeah, yeah just came here with my friend's to just grab a sip
It's pretty expensive to have a drink. One pound seventy and a tip."
I said, "You tip?"
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I always tip. Always tip."
Time
[Round 2: Heretic]
Okay, so I promised myself I wouldn't do any more of those Bad Bar breakdowns
Cause they're getting kind of played out
Oh wait, I don't care remember when you battled RS?
And you said he likes to bathe his face in anal toys
And take facial groin from his mates Abe, Jake and Roy
Until their tasty waste deploys
Well Shuffle T is the fucking chief of the Butt Police
He likes sucking D and punching greens and crumbled leaves underneath jungle trees
Bruv, did you learn this stuff from Eek?
You're so obsessed with stretched out multi schemes
But you recently set up your website and called it The Shuffle T Company
And one of the services you sell is rap consultancy
Ghost writing basically
You sell ghost writing on your website, you know that's generally considered bad
In battle rap that should be the ultimate truth we believe in
Not openly promoting it as a service cause you something to do in the evenings
I mean, why did you do it?
Is it so your money can stack high?
Or just so all the bars you wrote about how you clap nines
But couldn't get away with trying to rap live
Can finally see the light of day living vicariously through some black guys
You even have a different writing partner now
Doesn't that turn events upset ya
I thought you and Marlo were friends forever
Penn & Teller, every second spent together
Now it's just, "Well Marlo's not around since he and that girl swore an oath together
I just moved back in with my mom in this ropy cellar
He's off with a beautiful woman and coping better
And I'm sad here writing bars for every fucking battle on Don't Flop Extra!"
So listen, aspiring try outs
Do not fear that hope's died
You don't need to spend years making sure your flow's tight
Hoping someone hears your dope rhymes
Just pay this bellend to write you a long list of multi's for "Why did you give me him Eur'?" And you'll be top tier in no time
Cause Shuffle, he's just like Quentin Miller
You know, if his complexion differed
And instead of writing for the best of spitters
He wrote for try hard morons who PG step through filler
I mean, where the fuck is your integrity?
You even use your class as a gimmick that's why you get a cheap laugh for
Talking about pissing off your butler
I'm wondering why you put that in your bars for
See that Jack Whitehall swag is why you'll never be my teacher in this art form
Cause you must've had a bad education to be engaging in class wars
You're a sell out, and I hope you're glad you've managed to reap what you've sown
Cause bragging about having money you've just sold out your compassion for people that don't
By disguising an Oreo advert as a rap battle
You sold out your honesty to the fans that you're deceiving for doe
And by advertising as a ghost writer you sold out this battle scene as a whole

[Round 3: Shuffle T]
I ain't gonna take business advice off some vegan
You wanna know why I did it? One reason
So you know when your wi-fis on, and your iPhone says that it's connected it
So you go to open up the web to flick through Netflix's suggested list
But it doesn't work, checking it
Pressing click and it just doesn't accept the link
You stop receiving messages cause it says there's a 7-6 error with
Pathway that's sending it is coming up as negative
So you call them up and seconds in the connection dips
But you just about hear them say you're gonna need a specialist to get it fixed
And that's gonna cost you 20 quid
And they don't have anyone free until fucking December 6th
And that's the one day your appointment with the dentist is
That...is at best a fifth...at how frustrating Heretic's stage presence is
Fucking poke and jab your rope and hand
I'll be throwing out my lower back
You don't just rap you overact
Animated delivery; Postman Pat
Do me a favor right, in your next verse, just go like that
Keep 'em there, alright?
You fucking bastardized mine and Marlo's style
The way you copy us is so fucked
It's more wrong than those people who always say Shotty wasn't going to show up
He's so punctual, he's always there
You adopted the approach for some other theme's mixed
Boiled it down to the double helix
Like I'm gonna take exactly what Shuffle T is
With extra poshness, yeah that's what it fucking needed
Low work steal all my shit
Danny jacked my style with the compliment's bit
How not to try it with Bad Bars if it wasn't shit
I mean Heretic ticks the boxes of copying this
What's next? You're gonna start doing comedy clips?
Fucking Newcomer Of The Year, I wasn't convinced
That was Callum from the forum, you just robbed it from him
You think you beat Craft-D, you probably did
I stopped watching it because it was shit
I mean sure you're doing well in terms of wins and losses
But you took my style and you're living off it
Steve Carrell to the British Office
KFC to Chicken Cottage
Tally up the sticks and crosses
It's dishonest, you took my image, cropped it, clicked and dropped it
Switched and swapped it, flipped and flopped it
Picked my pocket, pinch my wallet, lifted from it, pinched the profit
This isn't what it's meant to be, this is just a mirrored homage
Stop copying me you motherfucking silly sausage
You won't win
You've got more chance of winning a BAFTA
Cause when it comes to mimicking battlers you're a brilliant actor
Should be enlisted in Lambda
Try telling me that this guy isn't a wanker
Or that he's even managed an even original stanza
If you thought this battle was my finishing chapter
You better check yourself like testicular cancer
See that's all I need
Soon as you and I crossed I knew that I'd got someone new to write off
I've had a couple battles lately, there's a few that I've lost
So you're a do or die job like the Suicide Squad
So that's it, no more computer games, no more toys in your room
No more of those rejuvenation facial oils you use
No more goya seeds, no more fucking soya for food
Me and your mother are VERY disappointed in you
And there's something else I need to say, to finish this
Someone else I need to address
Marlo, you little bitch!
You snaked me at the last event so you aren't my friend
Joking, battle rap's gay I don't give a shit

[Round 3: Heretic]
So you work in telesales for a technology company
And you like to come up with funny things just casually on the spot
So imagine if you will, Shuffle T's first day at work just after he got the job
"Alright Adam, here's your team's final script
Your shift will be 9 to 6."
No, no, no
Nowhere near enough multi's in here sweetheart, I'm rewriting it
"Shift starts in five minutes, there's no real time for thi- Fine, fine, fine, I'm gonna freestyle the shit."
"Good afternoon I'm Adam, sale rep'/MC
Hope you've had a blessed week. Press one to hear me talk like a tech geek
Pretend to be friendly and try and sell these bits of software to you even though you're elderly
Probably still running on XP." Sorry a bit of reach, that one very unprofessional
"Press 2 to hear my impression of Ness Lee
Or to simply listen to the sound of all my hopes of comedic success leave
Due to growing awareness that my wet dream of being in a comedy sketch team
Becomes less and less realistic with every second this terrible job won't allow me to be set free!...press 3."
I think it's sad that the Fates have conspired to give you a destiny so boring
No comedy, no entertainment, just ringing up folks talking
You're running out of time to chase those dreams Adam
You can really do no stalling cause there's a deadline and your skills are cold calling it
So haunting, but wait
A failed performer who takes a dead Office job just to stop the dole calling
Shit, I know David Brent inspires your comedy, you weren't supposed to live out his whole story
Cause you went from, "I'm a comedian and a writer, and I sometimes do battles cause of my way with words."
To..."Yeah I'm a telesales exec, do some accounts management, probably an entertainer third."
I mean you're in character, all the time
In real life you could be the nicest of blokes but I just don't know
I mean, you post funny things online and it's dope
But they're just lines that you wrote for this Brent bitten character that you assigned to the quote
And it's exactly the same every time you upload
Hoping some teenagers are gonna like what you wrote
Sat in silence alone trying to viral with posts
Of course you're naturally funny, cause your life is a joke
But calling him David Brent is the most obvious Shuffle angle
Even posted on Facebook like, "Yeah, I get that a lot" as if it's such a hassle
But if you don't want people bringing up the fact that you act exactly like David Brent in a fucking battle
Then don't act exactly like David Brent or don't fucking battle!