[Round 1: Shuffle-T]
Yo I got a gun...huge as shit
Trigger alone is 2 foot 6
It takes 3 hours to load up and shoot the clips
I really can't emphasize how huge it is
It's too big, you know..stupid big
I barely get around to using it
It's sort of an impulse buy and that was ludicrous
I don't really know what to do with it
It's a hassle
I wanna just get rid of it and call it a day
You open up my door and it falls in your face
I only live in this small little place and this fucking gun has taken up all of the space
The bullets for this gun are like watermelons
Fuck it's actually bigger
Most people don't believe until I come and hand them a picture
You can't even lift it by like the upper handle and fixture
You have to aim it on the ground and sort of rugby tackle the trigger
Useless. Fucking. Gun
I regret buying it
I mean the cash was too much
Had to take a second mortgage to afford it, and as if that's not enough
The outer plate in it has started showing cracking and rust
And now it's at home and it is just gathering dust
Incidentally, if anyone wants to buy a gun
I can sell you a fucking giant one
[Round 1: Carter Deems]
I really like to eat cheese cake
{plays URL siren on a handheld speaker}
I really like to eat cheese cake
I don't care if he hates, I'll eat it til my teeth ache
I'm fire to death I cremate, I'm all about that cream mate
Getting cheddar on the side, I'm the cracker on a cheese plate
You're just a cheapskate
I bought roller blades from a Goodwill those are cheap skates
I got the hottest rhymes I body lines then tear up this square like police tape
It'll go down to the wire like what's under his shirt when the police tape
My car took its top off like it's spring break
I'll jump on a trampoline so hard I'll make the spring break
I can take one look at this creep's face and tell that he vapes
You like to fill your body with steam grape
A popcorn lung is real, that'll make your chest deflate
So if you ever feel tempted again you can give me a call even if seems late
I'm here for you
Except for the hours between 3:00 and 8:00
But from 9:00 to 2:00 we're teammates
That means we're on the same exact team, mate
We can have long conversations like your problems with vaping
But don't worry, we'll take a break for tea, mate
But if your team hate, I'll shoot four points then another four
That means I give your whole team eight
Bullets will be what your team ate
You'll never see Shuffle-T become a father
That means you'll never see Shuffle-T mate
The pistol I'm gripping, leave you with nothing but peripheral vision
That means he won't be able to see straight
I'll make his teeth break like a Greek plate
After a wedding that happens a result of a very successful speed date
Time
[Round 2: Shuffle-T]
Eurgh hit me up for a battle, I knew it was you from the way that he told me
He didn't even tag you homie - just sent me the cat emoji
You say you'll never know what you'll see that cat man do
Well I got bad news - I'm a cat man too
You're cat man 1, well I'm cat man 2
Shoutouts for this neat cat tattoo
You'll see me on the club you'll think I'm throwing all kinds of stacks
Then you'll come closer and see I'm just stroking a tiny cat
I'm such a cat person I'll make you look like a dog person, Deems
Looking like you love your dog more than Ron Burgundy
I campaign for cat's rights and only nocturnally
So most Chinese food outlets stopped serving me
So you can imagine my surprise a little while ago, I get a knock on the door
It's Carter Deems' cat just flopped on the floor
Came out to the UK to see me, so I offered support
I guess I didn't know what was in store
I washed up his paws, trimmed the top of his claws
Just taking care of it, that wasn't a chore
I asked him why he came out, what was it for?
He seemed to imply that he wasn't so sure
He was sat on the sofa, I could tell the cat was hungry
So I offered him a couple of catnip munchies
Seemed kind of anxious, worried, panicked, jumpy
Just kept kind of acting funny
He said he shouldn't have come, started to pack his buggy
He got up, spanned around, I caught him like "that was lucky"
I look into his eyes, he looked back and touched me
One thing led to another..and I scratched his tummy
And he fucked me
I brought him in to meet my 150 cats
I snuggled him with a pat and cuddle and kisses in fact
I was clutching the kitten and I was rubbing his little back
Then I was touching his whiskers, scratching him
Hugging and tickles STOP
Moral of the story; cats are lovely and cute
And you best learn to give them the love that they're due
Cause if you don't they'll come and live under my roof
And I might just have to FUCK 'EM for you
[Round 2: Carter Deems]
I'm the Rich Homie Quan of Pokemon
Razor scooter that's what I'm rolling on
A bad boy, I watch TV while my dad mows the lawn
Cause there's no way if I can help it if Oprah's on
My garage looks like a Toyotathon
I walk to the dealership, drop so many stacks til the Toyotas gone
Somebody stole my Star Wars figurine, now my toy Yoda gone
I really like t-shirts but I love this button up
{plays the URL siren again}
Sorry, the button's stuck
Just kidding this is an iPhone it doesn't have buttons chump
I'll give a right hard uppercut to whoever has a side part undercut
That die hard gun is tucked
I'm ready to roll with the chopper like I'm in the side car buckled up
I better knuckle up cause when that coke cake bag it'll leave his whole tummy tuck
Keep your eye on the kid like Uncle Buck
I don't care if he's brave even the Mighty Duck when they see this knuckle punk
My hustle tough
2016 alone I made over a hundred bucks
I could win this battle and not mention Shuffle once
Cause the cards are stacked against him and I didn't shuffle once
Last week I went to a wedding and I did the Cupid Shuffle-once
And I didn't even RSVP to save the date
Before the bride could take one slice I already ate some cake
On a paper plate, then I danced with my three amazing dates to Babyface
Blasting out the 808's then we got a quick make out sess' before the DJ played Ace Of Base
Now it's time to change the pace
Fists coming from both sides like shake and bake
Send his body flying like Jake The Snake when he made the table break in Wrestlemania 8
When the bell ring it's Van Helsing cause I raise the stakes
When they come face to face you'll face your fate
Giving more rounds than the Hateful 8
Then misspell his name on the tombstone just to prove you made a grave mistake
There's not a huge difference between a rock and my muscle
You're not stopping my hustle
I take chances I roll dice like Yahtzee in trouble
I drove my boat into a storm and now my yacht seeing trouble
This hardly a scuffle
I give him those long Tecs like when Rev. Run covers his body in bubbles
Then send him spinning the stage like Sonic and Knuckles
Don't care if there's a crowd around I just let my bullet get lost in the Shuffle
Just kidding, violence is dumb
Why would I fight with a knife or a gun? That life isn't fun
Besides I don't wanna look back and be ashamed in front of my wife and my son
Not saying I live the life of a nun, cause I'm not a woman!
But I do wanna open his heart and let my rhymes shine like the sun
And I know I'm sounding like a preacher but last year I had five seizures so I'm done biting my tongue
Forget that, I grab a gun and hurt him really bad
I know they want me to stick to the formula like Similac and rap about kitty cats
He thought he knew where my writtens at
But I made those disappear like Henna tat

[Round 3: Shuffle-T]
You're pretty funny Carter
You're a comedy splendor
But when it comes to relate-ability you're not a contender
I bet you show your parents your battles and they don't compliment ever
They just go "Oh yeah. Blimey, there's a lot to remember."
You know those half compliments people give when they're trying to be incredibly nice to you?
Like, "No, it wasn't bad. You know-it's better than I could do."
You thought you'd be the weirdest guy in this place
I just did a whole round about fucking your kitten, mate
You're about to meet your match like a Tinder date
My writtens ace with my great British ways
English phrase, if it's great it's an A
I'll [?] your cats [?] and tell it to have a nice day
I'll tell people buying shoes for you that your size 8
I'll steal your Benz and sell them back to you at a high rate
And cover all your step ladders in anti-climb paint
I put a cartridge in your back like a fountain pen
But apologize after and take it out I guess
Your fashion sense is a 3 out of 10
You're more Ralph Wiggum than Ralph Lauren
Your IQ is a high two
My favorite color is light blue
That's the color of my room and it's not quite the right hue
My autobiography is a haiku
I ride unicycles at drive thru's
I couldn't think of angles that I'd use so I started to write like you
It isn't hard as can be Carter Deems
You'll get hit with my car in the street
And there's just a long silence after the beep like an answering machine
You're so better the omega, no sweater, just a Superman suit and my clothes dresser
So whether it's abroad or at home leisure
I'm still a go-getter with low effort, universal appeal
Rosetta Stone measures, no pressure
Turnip on your plate packed with heat like a ghost pepper
Not just a joke teller
You stay in your lane so you'll blow never
Cause you won't ever grow when there's no where to go
See that's the difference between you and me
I can do a stand up set at a funeral scene
Cause I can write jokes to make the crowd laugh stupidly
With the same pen I use to write your eulogy
You've been highlighted lately as the future Deems
Had a couple good opponents and a few you've beat
But you're still considered a joke so that's a useless streak
Like running naked through a nudist beach
Usually, I do some local references
But I haven't really traveled through the town
I need to do one in this battle so I have to do it now
Sucking up to the audience is a good avenue I've found
So I got broads in Atlanta, let's all pander to the crowd

[Round 3: Carter Deems]
They say the crowd gassing me
But I don't need that cause I already got gas in me
When it comes to getting dates I believe in maybes
I know you see me ladies, I'm in the middle son like Peter Brady
Listening to the best of Ja Rule in a green Mercedes
I got so much bread I don't even need a bakery
I've been popping tags since the 90's I own 89 Beanie Babies
Right now I'm going commando, that's Green Beret
I'll teach him about class like PTA
Give him three 9's like my GPA
Then let that 30 Rock like Tina Fey
Yeah that was hard
Look, you better listen to what the TV say
It'll get graphic like the 3D age
When I grip that blam thing broke a Discman
Cause you won't see C.D. play
I roll up on him like BB-8
When I raise this fan I name my gun Kylo Ren cause I aim that beam three ways
You can catch me on the corner doing hard liquor, reaping large paper
I would prop my feet up and smoke a cigar later
But earlier I ate a lot of cookies and that would make me barf wafers
You have a Vape Life tattoo and you love to smoke the orange flavor
He thinks smoking an e-cig makes him a bad boy we should call you Darth Vapor
I invited a girl over to Netflix and chill, but I just wanted to watch Netflix for real
Last week I got a new George Foreman I didn't even need a dentist drill to get a different grill
Look, 15 minutes ago I took 35 Benadryl, I'm not even sick or ill
I just wanted to feel really chill
When I grip that steel I hope you have a written will
I send a letter to the Fresh Prince, I've written Will
And I know they say that I should directly address my opponent more so
"Hey, man. How's it going?"
That was pretty easy but I don't wanna go overboard
So it's back to the random stuff
You know, microwaves, sofas, shorts
I got a large microwave and a small couch, that means my sofa's short
I know that he's ready to go to war
And make the judgement's fly just to prove that he's holding court
He'll try to ridicule and start acting rude
But to me those are no-no's/nose like Lord Voldemort
I did this on my own accord
I have nice cars I don't own Accords
I never drove a Ford, psssst that's how I open doors
What you think I'm rolling for?
My old Coupe got no roof like a dog without vocal cords
I pull up in that double door
Off the top I'm on point like Dumbledor
What am I talking to this Muggle for?
I'll son you so hard I'll have to cut the cord
Then I'll break his back in half, send his disc flying like shuffle board
Then visit him in the hospital and read Atlas Shrugged 'til Shuffle bored