[Round 1:]
[Matter & P Solja] Shut up Shuffle and Marlo
[P Solja] Ayo, Shuffle T
[Matter] Yo bruv, that's not Shuffle
[P] Well who's that then?
[M] That's Ben Affleck, bruv
[P] Well who's that?
[M] That's Ben Affleck as well, bruv
Yo just talk to 'em, man
[P] Aite, so we been gone for a while
And I heard the people wanted us back
So in honour of the last battle, it's only right that I hit 'em with some true facts
Like fact: While all you man was out at Shoreditch Market pickin' out rugs
I was goin' hard in the trap house, 12-gauge, loadin' up slugs
Worryin' my mum, comin' home covered in blood
While you, you were just worried about rugs
[M] See while you two were studying, reading books like a toff
I was at home, watching Korean films with the subtitles off
[P] And in that jacket you always wear, you look like a nonce
Dr. Robotnik in a rocket ship, I look like a boss
[M] See this is these two, yeah:
"Oh look, it's battle rap, let's exploit it and mock it
Let's subvert the traditional images of masculinity in hip hop's doctrine
Let's use it to promote our fifth tier student comedy videos, get 'em locked in
'Cuz going viral is the pinnacle of creative achievement the world is watching
[P] And when I step out the barrio, I make sure all my man are low
Then pop up like "It's a-me!" - Mario!
[M] See I slaughter 'em like Alamo
Always serve it à la mode
You got a reservation with the Desert like Navajo
But erm, P Solja?
[P] Yo, wagwan fam?
[M] Shoot guns, do ya?
[P] No comment
[M] Sell drugs, do ya?
[P] No comment
[M] Big mister scary thug, are ya?
[P] Yes I am, yeah yeah
[M] See it's Matter and P
You can't clash 'em with sarcasm
That's something you can't fathom
You jump in that large chasm
[P] And actin' hard bastard
Will only result in gettin' ya Marge blasted
To keep it blunt, you can't hack it
[M] See in uni, he had a Letterman jacket
But he let a man jack it
[P] Hold up, I got a question - let me ask 'em
What uni did these man go to?
[M] Bath Uni, bro
[P] Bath Uni. Aite. While these man were out squabblin' at Bath Uni
I had my baby mum tellin' me her other baby father can't outdo me
What do you know about emptyin' out the bath just to clean the Uzi
And oilin' down the barrel just to make sure it blasts smoothly?
[M] You two met at Bath Uni. Every part of that sentence makes me sick
As far as battle rap backstories go, that one takes the piss
I guess it explains this whole "just tryin' to blend in at uni" vibe
He's like, "Keep my head down, keep my nose clean, do my time"
[P] But if I'd have been there, I'd have crept into your nice, safe residence at nightfall
Lookin' for that nice score
These posh comedians would've got Jacked in them Whitehalls
[M] While you were at student house parties, takin' shit drugs
I was at student house parties, sellin' shit drugs
Distributin' inferior narcotics, gettin' big bucks
But the punters always seemed to love it, I got big hugs
[P] Y'see, at our parties, we're smokin' packets
At their parties, smoking jackets
[M] At our parties, we turn up 'til we burn out the sockets
At your parties, you all just recite every single word of The Office
[P] At our parties, bitches twerkin'
At your parties, pickled gherkins
[M] At our parties, big speakers
At your parties, six cheeses
[P] I can't even name six cheeses
Yo, Marlo looks about 38, so I brang the .38
Barrel spinnin' like the croc doin' the death roll
Heightenin' my death toll
Rusty spinner, impact throw 'im back 'cuz it's retro
[M] Sniper rifle from the rooftop, the view is perfect
Red dot on his chest like Uma Thurman
[P] I'll put this bitch in a box like Uma Thurman
I'll make him D-I-E, like "the" in German
[M] See the way I'll leave him six deep is full of suspense and intrigue
I'll fill up Marlo with holes, give him The Big Sleep
[P] And I'm the connect for the arms like the elbow
Stuck to the strap like Velcro
[M] See the code name is "Unan vs. Oshea" when I'm blastin' shots
'Cuz when the Tommy starts spazzin', they'll have to call the battle off
But y'know what? Fuck all that, yeah
Bath Uni, bruv
[P] Where?
[M] Oh, these man'll call it "Bah-th Uni"
Makes me wanna "barf - uni"
[P] See these man went to "Bah-th Uni"
I went to Thomas Danby
They got good qualifications
And I got a job with Andy
It was shottin' Mandy
[Both] Free Andy!
[Round 1:]
[Shuffle T] Shut up Dialect and Zen
[Marlo] Some said this was a shit match up
[S] Mainly us
[M] What?
[S] It was mainly us
[M] Well that's what I thought the talk was about
The moment I shared it with Shuf', hilarious stuff
[S] So we're performing it now for all of the crowd
[M] "Adam, look. Eurgh just told me we got the title match for North versus South."
[S] "Really?"
[M] "Yeah, you're not gonna fucking like it mate."
[S] "Right, who's been calling us out?"
[M] "Wellll"
[S] "Cause we made Crack' and Cee and Marv and Quest fall to the ground."
[M] "I know."
[S] "Has K-Shine filled out those immigration forms for us now?
Don't tell me that Illmaculate and The Saurus are down."
[M] "It's not them."
[S] "Well who is it?"
[M] "...let's forfeit the crown."
[S] "What?"
[M] "Yeah, let's only do gimmick battles from now on. I'm sure we're allowed."
[S] "Why would we do that? That was boring the crowd
And we, we promised ourselves that we wouldn't resort to it now."
[M] "But you don't understand."
[S] "C'mon mate. Right. Who is it? Who's the talk of the town?"
[M] "It's Matter and P-Solja."
[S] "Get the Oreo's out."
[Marlo]
I mean fucking hell Don't Flop
We leave you on your own for five minutes
And these are the fucking challengers you sent?
Matter and his friend
Your fucking barrel's at an end

[Shuffle T]
Well I guess we better go and save battle rap again!

[Marlo]
Cause when it comes to this 2 on 2 shit you brought fuck all new to the table
Just cause some tired rounds carried you here you've not invented the wheel
P pops a growth hormone with every meal
And your face looks like how America feels

[S] Listen Matter and Lunar P
[M] It's not just couple southern thespians you risk at losing to
[S] It's your dignity you hate that we're not spitters through and through
[M] You're desperate trying to prove yourself like when Finchy threw the shoe
[S] Or a colorblind guy trying to fix a Rubix Cube
[M] You are not the best doubles in the country
[S] There's inconclusive proof
[M] You're just the only team around in British 2 on 2's
[S] Just trying to hit those Lunar views
[M] You must be tripping to the moon
But we're here to help you out
[S] Don't say we didn't tutor you
Now it's a simple formula
You just do the set up and then shift it through to you
Then
[M] You
[S] Quickly
[M] Move
[S] It
[M] Through
[S] Like
[M] The
[S] Kids
[M] At
[S] Scooby
[M] Doo
[S] When they're
[M] Switching
[S] Room to
[M] Room
[S] Cause they're
[M] In a
[S] Spooky tomb
[M] But that chemistry's not something you just stick with super glue
[S] And it really fucking helps if you're not shit at 2 on 2's
[Marlo]
It's Shufflo, sorry we've been away
We've been fucking swamped mate, honestly

[Shuffle T]
What you know about being...fairly busy?
Managing day to day tasks
It's been mental, diary dates are a pain in the ass

[Marlo]
We had to pencil in this title match way in advance
So at Blood In The Water 5 we set the date with the staff

[Shuffle T]
When it comes to having that slightly busy schedule
We're raising the bar

[M] I have to paint the garage
[S] I have to change the alarms

[Marlo] I'm up to my neck in it and I ain't a giraffe
Told my father off til he booked a vacation in France
That I'm snowed under at work, he said, "You're breaking my heart."

[Shuffle T]
Our PA has a PA, and that PA has a PA and that PA has a chart
She fuses our To Do List like music is state of the art

[Marlo] We've got drinks with Rowan scheduled for the 18th of March
[Shuffle T] 2019
[Marlo] I can't even go for drinks with my mates at a bar cause it's a money thing as well I'm trying to save for a car

[Shuffle T]
I got a call from my mother the other day in a state of alarm
She said, "Adam come quick, something has happened to your favorite Aunt
She's in the A&E with a brain disease she's fading in fast."
I said, "I got a battle in my diary mum. So I'm afraid that I can't
But put my name on the card and give Jane my regards."

[M] All this and I'm learning to play the guitar?
[S] Imagine
[M] Pssst, man people saying we'll be rusty now
[S] Haha
[M] They're making us laugh
You ready? You ready? You ready?
[S] No
[M] We!
[S] ?
[M] Will!
[S] ?
[M] Not!

You lot should've seen the last two who tried for the title
Ha, they were not the best per se

[Shuffle T]
I know this is like this whole thing that you gotta like respect word great
But there was this one bloke, Dialect, he had the most stretched...

[Marlo]
He was not an expert mate

[Shuffle T]
What was his [?] uh, name?
It was like Ziggy or Zap or...
[M] Zen!
[S] Zen, well it was Zen's first day
[M] We won't see them again until the uh, 10th Birthday
[S] It was a blood bath you only had to check Eurgh's face
They had to get first aid
[M] From their head burns
[S] Wait...
[M] Oh that's right...
[Both] They were your friends weren't they?
[S] See, we're [?] by southern standards
[M] We're awful posh
[S] But you consider the south poor (paw) cause you here unorthodox
[M] See, so call the shots
[S] And call the Doug
[M] We'll the cops
[S] Till you call them off
[M] You look like you've been smoking that northern rock
[S] Which is fitting cause you're about to lose all your stock like a corner shop with his door unlocked
So believe me you're bodied like Courtney Cox
[M] The last doubles title was in 2014
[S] Let that sink in
We never
[M] Ever
[S] Ever
[M] Ever
[S] Ever
[M] Ever
[S] Lose
[M] We'll take a massive break from battles and still get as many views
[S] So when we win today because we get the best of you
[M] You can catch our next title match in 2022

[Round 2: P Solja]
You white bastards

[Matter]
Bro
[P] What? What?
[M] Aight, fuck it, you mountain climbing bungee jumpers
[P] You TV licensed, buying radio time subscribing motherfuckers
I got white in my sight like Uncle Ruckus
[M] See you local news agent only sells the Financial Times
No cigs, no food, nothing, just the Financial Times
[P] Well I'll creep from behind, like a pantomime and bang the nine
They're trying to throw rocks at tanks well this ain't Palistine
[M] Now I bet you fully cooperated with police officers on several occassions
I bet you got a set of spoons for every occassion
Your ancestors we into segregation
Your ancestors hated...
[P] N***as!
Every fucking one of 'em
You know why?
Cause they were a set of right wing bastards
If I'm lying, how many black people are in your mum's family?

[Shuffle T]
Ummm

[P-Solja] I thought that way
[M] Bro, what's next?
[P] I don't know you tell 'em
[M] Alright, soooo, yo I might do some multi's actually
Fuck it, why not
[P] Let's do some multis
[M] I hope Shuffle and Marlo get fucked in the asshole by a couple of carloads of chubby Chicanos
[P] Those multis was mad bro, high five?
[Both] No, fuck that shit
[P] I'll pull a stick with a wooden grip, let off a couple clips
And chuck a dummy in his white house like the American government
I'll let a few spray
He can catch a bunch but I ain't talking a bouquet
[M] Ehhh, talking of bouquets, Marlo's getting married
[P] Ya lying
[M] Get ya head round the fact
Looks like something incredibly flat just fell in his lap
[P] Selling a gash, begging for cash
She smells of kebabs and sweats in the bath
[M] Plus I heard she's kind of dead in the rack (Iraq) like coffins draped with American flags
Plus she's shady down south like the Confederate flag
[P] She's got a lesbian 'tash, gives off a venomous gasp
I'd have to hit it from long range like Essien pass
[M] Multis! Multis! Yaaay
Now, you just brought knives to a word fight

[Dialect]
So you don't wanna vers' die, you wanna get served like a [?]

[P] Yo, yo, yo, that didn't float the first time
[M] You look like you're wearing someone else's trousers
They just give you up a pair
You look like you watch the Oxbridge Boat Race with your fist up in the air
[P] You pussy hole, red boy, living in despair
Because the ring you gave your girl is thinner than your hair
[M] Cause your life's shit, you just make up bollocks to add extra color
You just cut and paste your background like the Sargeant Pepper cover
[P] They can't come around our way, we'll make 'em suffer
You won't see these white faces in the hood like the 36 Chambers cover
[M] Bow, chest shot, bow, head shot, whoa, poor fucker
Leave him Weezy with a red cap like the Carter 4 cover
[P] And I'll wait until your bitch is pregnant
Catch her breast feeding in bed and let a couple fly
And after that you all over the cover like Ready To Die
[M] Actor, magician, battle rapper, you do literally anything to get laid
[P] Me? I'd do anything to get paid
Except suck a dick, fuck a man or let a man fuck me cause I'm dead straight
I'll roll up on a Segway, let lead spray
The saw won't split his head open cause I'm a head case
[M] See they're just Moonlight-ing as rappers, with the Nardwuar swag
Anyone picking you winning, either got the wrong card or their in La La Land
[P] See we're out to outfox the fox hunters
Looking down the barrel while I'm inhaling the sativa
I'll let two blow, pussy get his head topped bun like Ebra
[M] Now, you're probably gonna say some shit like I shouldn't be using gun bars, and that might be true
But don't get mad cause you're not smart enough to figure out what I'm trying to do
Now why on Earth can't I chat 'bout how I look with the gat I'm putting work in the trap
Two words for you dickhead: Alternative facts
Now, here's a real fact for you though, your girl is a Biggie, no Smalls
And that's cool I ain't dissing at all cause women are all beautiful, the big and the small
But I bet when you fuck her it claps so loud the neighbors thought they had a special kid living next door
[P] Now your bitch might be an amazing wife
Well if she starts giving it all this she can get bladed twice
[M] See he's crazy right so change his life like great advice
Knock him down then put some kick into his ribs like Cajun spice
P, P, P, remember when I said I got a rhyme book so big that it reads like a manual
And what did you say again?
[P] I said I got a gun so big it's extremely impracticle
[M] And everybody went mental cause it sounded sick
Shuffle liked it so much he battled Carter Deems and based a whole round on it
Now when I said to Youthoracle, "get two black eyes then you can panda (pander) to the crowd
Again, Shuffle liked it so much, battled Carter Deems and it just landed in his rounds
Now I don't know what the fuck this clown is on
But if you'd been to the Hip Hop Seminar you'd know that "biting"
[P] "Intentionally plagiarizing another rapper's lyrics or content"
[M] Is frowned upon
Now jacking someone else's shit, that's not how we're getting down
I'd rather design a future that's more than biting someone else's style
So fuck you Shuffle and Marlo, I invented this sarcastic shit
[Both] And this is the motherfucking thanks I get?
[M] With that being said, you two are getting shot today
[P] Or I might just roll upon your family holiday
Tie 'em up with bondage tape and have bodies on the chopper like a Bond escape
[M] See you're just an actor and this is just one of your plays
And I can respect that but when filming is done for the day
Your whole personality abruptly escapes
Cause you ain't got nothing to say if you ain't got someone to play
[P] And as for you Marlo, when it comes to the best in your team, you are not the one
That's why I'm breaking up the weakest link and robbing son
[M] See you two are just speed bumps, but don't think we're slowing down
Before we get Shuffle deck we gotta take the joker's out
[P] And see we was on the case as soon as I got casing
After I let the [?] in I'm picking up the casings
[M] You know what I heard bruv?
[P] Go on
[M] I heard that Danny Jaq is the captain of Team South
[P] You're lying
[M] AKA Team Feeble Little Bitches
[P] AKA Fuck Turning Up Let's Have Some Biscuits
[M] One mission, leave these two reeking in the ditches
[P] And leave Captain Jaq/Jack sleeping with the fishes

[Round 2: Shuffle T]
You insulted my girlfriend, just to make it work in a scheme
She'll be so let down, you met you guys and liked you both personally
She'll be upset with that, you disappointed yourself there
Cause I actually met these guys both in Denmark on my travel back from Aus'
I was there cause I had another classic rapping job
P-Solja was there cause he too had a battle on
Matter was there because Matter there is a massive tag-a-long

[Marlo]
P-Solja was there for work, he had a plus one which he offered straight to Zen

[Shuffle T]
So why the fuck were you there? Oh were you on a holiday with friends?

[Marlo]
Matter must've asked to join them, like what did he say to them?
[S] Can you imagine, how awkwardly that conversation went?

[Marlo dresses up like Matter and Shuffle T as P Solja]

[Marlo as Matter]
Alright, [?] guess what? I formed a little plan

[Shuffle T as P Solja]
What's happened to your normal voice [?]?
[M] I caught a sickness fam'
[S] Right
[M] You know your battle in Denmark?
[S] Yeah
[M] Have you sorted shit for that?
[S] I mean yeah it's tomorrow so it's all booked and everything, I mean
[M] I bought my ticket man
[S] ...Oh really?
[M] Yep
[S] Well that's thoughtful isn't it fam'? That's awesome, isn't it? Ahh. Right, do you know what the problem is with that?
[M] What?
[S] Me and Zen have already loaded in the cab with our suitcases
There will be no room for storage in-
[M] I'm sure we'll figure that right. How much laundry did you pack?
We'll take out a couple t-shirts and shorts and squish the bags
Oh course we'll fit it man. Whoo touring with the lads!
[S] Yeah
[M] Yeah?!
[S] Oh! Do you know this mate? I don't think you can but you can certainly come for smoke with us before our trip to [?]
[M] Well, you know I've already put a picture of us all on Instagram
And I'm sorta in the tag soooo, is it a plan or is it a plan?
[S] You know what Matter?
[M] What?
[S] You're my biggest fan

[M] Matterlogical
[S] You fucking tagged along and all
And you know, it's the darndest thing
Back in the day, when you battle, right? People lost their heads
You got the hugest views in the 2 on 2's, now-a-days people are not impressed
And we're looking at your view count now and there is not a lot that's left
[Both] What the heck is the common thread?
[M] We're trying to work out the reason Matter, trying to figure it out for you
Racking my brains like I'm thinking about some boobs
A new battles up, I'm clicking refresh like
[S] Give it an hour or two
[M] What is it about those old battles with your old 2 on 2 partner Lunar C, that got the bigger amount of views
[S] I've got it
[M] What
[S] He's got shit glasses now
[M] Bollocks
[S] Bollocks aren't they?
Yeah, we know what the real reason is, we ah, we did some research
And since you swapped partners you must be so pissed off it hurts
He was Neil Armstrong you're Buzz Aldrin when they were lifted from Earth
Cause when it comes to all things Lunar no one thinks of you first
So what the fuck is this? What he fuck does this mean?
You wanted to be the better one in the team?
[M] Like Shuffle and me
[S] What?
[M] Matter will never look like a champ as long as those glasses stay with him
Fuck a turtle or an owl you look like Barb from Stranger Things
And you've been getting gassed up above your level like a carbonated drink
But a good soldier keeps marching cause he can't replace a king
[S] We're going to tell you a wee story
[M] Wee story
[S] It's a wee story, so ah it takes place in a [?] with this guy
Him and the lads were sloshed
I think he was there with Zen and maybe Raptor came in with him to crash the spot
There was a couple of ladies there, now don't get me wrong
These women had drank a lot
One of who, P Solja proceeded to...relinquish his bladder on
[M] I'm sorry that's a total lie, it was a Travelodge
[S] Apologies
[M] You pissed on a person
The next morning, me, Rone and Shuf' got in my car, ready to take our leave
We started driving and talking 'bout how you been drenching your mates with wee
But, when we escaped for Leeds and remembered your name was "P"...
I laughed so hard I nearly crashed the Fiesta from '83
[S] Did you father never teach you, when you piss on a girl, you piss off a girl
Now we all know that P-Solja urinating on a female, but if we inspect, the real question is "Why?"
How did the idea stick in his head?
I know what you're thinking and yes, he could've kissed her instead
It's a bit of a stretch but they could've even physically slept in the hotel room singular bed if he did let her kipper the edge
But the answer is clear...and simple to get
Why did P-Solja choose pissing instead?
[M] Why?
[S] Because is that is how he thinks you have sex
[M] Literally?
[S] Yes, it's one of many things that are almost sort of like P-Solja's powers
[M] Other than being twice the height restriction for rides at Alton Towers
[S] You got it, he sees the lovely ladies that [?] time for golden showers
Then in comes Matter to loyally come by and hold his trousers
[M] Do you have a problem with pissing on women?
I'll take that as "yes"
His ex girl asked him why their dates had to end
He said, "Listen, your'e the bomb. You're an 8 out of 10
But this won't work cause I only urinate at a ten."
Now y'all know our slogan
Round 2 and it's getting hot in here
[Both] Seriously it's too hot can you turn the heating down

[Round 3: P-Solja]
Now me, you see me yeah? I'm just known to take the piss
Eh Matter?
[Matter] Yeah, yeah
[P-Solja] But Shuffle-T? Can he stand like this?
You better do what I tell you

[Matter] P, tell him about the time you went to Marlo's yard bro
[P] Which one's Marlo cause I been to both their houses but on separate occassions
[M] That one
[P] This one?
[M] Yeah yeah yeah
[P] So one time I was stranded in London, [?] Facebook status of Marlo [?]
[M] Of course
[P] Came on the phone, sounded all calm and friendly
[M] Expected
[P] He said he had a place for me to stay on his family's country estate
[M] Not bad
[P] So I tell him, "A cunt? In estate?"
Rolled upon his dad at dinner and put out a blunt on his steak
His mom tried giving it all this and got punched in the face
Then I burned his dad's suits and ties and his super dries
Then I forced the gardeners and housekeepers to unionize
Yeah, I did, at gunpoint, at gunpoint
Yeah? Then I pulled out a brick of raw and told his sister to get that D pressed
Then I sawed all the nozzles off his dad's antique guns and give him a real reason to be depressed
Hit him with a right, put him in a deep rest
I had that D pressed against his daughter's lips
But they didn't know if it was my gun or my dick
You get me?
[M] Spoiler alert; it were his dick
[P] And I pissed
[M] Thinking [?] aren't ya?
Whoa, that's good for the scene I reckon
Been overseas to rep it
But you know it's funny, American's think English people dress in tweed, neck and tee and eating pheasant
Monty Python and The Office, that's their only screen of reference
So they only like you cause you don't challenge their preconceptions
But you know what? You have done a whole lot for Don't Flop, that's true
You bring in mad views
You've been keeping Eurgh fed, it's your fault he's got man boobs!
[P] And Cruger's fat too
But I ain't hating, eat your damn food
But me, I stay with them hunger pains
A rusty blade will give him stomach cramps too
[M] See you too are always giving it all this
About how you're just damn great friends
But why didn't you come together and get your back pay off of Pat Stay then?
Why did he jump in the Unan' battle and act snake then?
Matter-of-fact, hand shake then
[P] Now you think that rapping at the same time is cool
But you must be crazy bruv
[Both] Cause if me and him spat a bar at the same time it would be gay as fuck
Don't you reckon, yeah? Yeah well, we won't do that
[P] Well imagine Shuffle T at school, tripping over them big clown shoes
Trying to play football in them big dirty brown boots
Do you know what's messed up? When you're barely ten plus
And you've got a trench coat and trench folk
[M] Now, I'd like to lodge a formal complaint
[P] Do it, do it
[M] I'm gonna, I'm gonna
I'd like to lodge a formal complaint about the lack of diversity in your 2 on 2 team
In 2017 it's unacceptable
Your team is whiter than a country festival
You go to county fairs with humongous vegetables
[P] So fuck you and everything you stand for, I'll do him dirty
When I raise this Mag aloof and give him 18 to 30
[M] See I whip out the taser, build up a buzz like a mixtape
Then shock him like the parents if they brought home a girl that's mixed race
Your comedy's clumsy, cliched and confused, don't hold out for that big break
I can write better sketches than you on my cig' break
Well, actually, I ah, did happen to bring a script
If you could have a shifty through it quick and let me know what you think that'd be sick
Psyche, it's a picture of a dick!
[P] You see, from day one I said we were going for that title shot
Ask the FEDS my title's hot, dolt writer's off
Who else, has no showed battles, called Eurgh "Erv"
Pointed a fire extinguisher in his face and fired it off and still got the title shot?
Me, that's how?
While everyone else is sucking cock for a battle on Training Days
I was like "Well, well"
Fuck a training day, I'm a Man On Fire, I'm Denzel
[M] Yo we entered as contenders but we're leaving as champs
After this we're going massive! Putting p's in the bank
Blowing up off of 2 on 2 like Aziela Banks
See you can shuffle all you want but the combination's cracked
Your safe space is hacked, combination is making his face collapse when I make a rap
I'll cop an ancient strap, paint it black and aim at that
[P] So you little fuckers better pipe down
Cause I got shooters on you right now
[M] Bbrrrrrrrrrrr....see you're dead
[P] Now that's trill n***as!

[Round 3: Marlo]
Aye Matter, you know what rhymes with "Adam Woolard"
You're not the only person on this stage that has a hood pass

[Matter] That's a forgery bruv
[Shuffle T] This is official shit
[Matter] Forged
[P Solja] Alright, let me see who issued it. Nah it's false

[Shuffle T] I rolled into Leeds, in their office estate
It was P-Solja selling them for a couple of K
[Marlo] Expensive
[Shuffle T] But for that permission to use the N-Bomb, we had something to gain
So we went halves on it
[M] set up a payment plan
[S] A hundred a day
[M] And it comes from my wage
[S] Went up to a couple of black guys...dropped the N-Bomb...and got punched in the face
Huh...can someone explain
You got something to say?
[M] Which version of the word was it?
[S] The one with the "a"!
[M] I don't know then, I don't know then
[S] Turns out, one of the black guys revealed
Apparently, we have to be...trill
[M] P! Why didn't you tell us that we have to be...
[S] Trill
[M] Trill, now I am well aware we are whiter than a gallon of milk
But Matthew rated U
[S] That's a family film
[M] Bars!
[S] Rated U, family film, like, you know how the rating, I know what you're thinking
How do I come up with all those amazing puns I achieve?
Well, 'bout time I told ya, got a punchline machine
And it does rhymes for me
I press the little button like "One liners please"
For example, here we go...
[M] My boy Shuff' is sciency
[S] "I'll run up in your house like 'Come dine with me'"
[M] What?!
[S] Just go into Settings
[M] Uh, "Killing you will be the last thing I do like getting stung by a bee"?
[S] That's alright
[M] What the fuck is that?
[S] That's okay
[M] It's alright I'd like it to do a lot better
"This battle will be 2-1 like when I flunked my degree"?
What the fuck is this shit? It's bollocks
"Please can you refrain from being unkind to me?"
[S] Yeah, it's got feelings as well, actually mate. Funny story
"This is a bad match like my blood type is B"
[M] That's rubbish!
[S] Yeah fair enough for once I agree
[M] Look guys, you did a cute little send for us in your last battle
By rhyming-
[S] "Lenny Henry"
[M] With
[S] "Serengeti"
[M] And
[S] "Fetch the 'chete"
[M] What?
[S] Literally no idea
[M] You missed some nice rhymes but I guess hindsight is
[S] 20/20
[M] You think of women as a chance for you to
[S] Spend a penny
[M] She's no coward but you left her with a
[S] Yellow belly
[M] You say you
[S] "Mix spaghetti" we're cooking
[M] Meth with Jesse
[S] And we'll never stop cooking
[M] Mary Berry
[S] We're the killers down south
[M] Edward Kelly
[S] The champs no one expected
[M] Lester Epsy
[S] ?
[M] Unneccessary
[S] So we'll kill you using rhymes
[Both] you haven't said already
[M] And you said, until we could do that, no true heads would call us the true champs
[S] We heard the reaction you got in response to that
You had-
[Both] Two claps
[M] And besides, do what? Do rap?
[S] Newsflash, we do that
[M] Hang on, hand on, so you want us to keep the same rhyme and switch our queues on a scheme?
Mate...well that's the kind of shit we can do in our sleep
[S] Did you take the time to watch any battles we do as a team?
[Both] We can perform in perfect sync', what more proof do you need?
[M] Nah, but to be fair, that send? Whoo! We could never do a scheme like that
I mean you rhymed "cemetery" with "Mex spaghetti"
[Both] Yeah, you should be the champs
[S] We've been carrying 2 on 2's and it's the heaviest cargo
With enough gas left in the tank to make the heaviest car go
But you rhymed "mex spaghetti" and "fetch the 'chete" together in bars though
And you've been calling us "posh cunts" and it's been getting to Marlo
[M] Just for saying we're not proper rappers just a sketch on the Fast Show
[S] And our material's more than a bitch, you're a feminine bathrobe
[M] Mate, our worse levels trump your best and you never surpass those
[S] You look like you weigh less than a half stone
And every time I've ever seen you, you've never been less than a half stoned
[M] And you remind me of Steve Buscemi in Fargo
Cause those bloodshot eyes popping like cherry tomatoes
[S] Black and white, fat and slight like the edge of a barcode
[M] We'll have a fight, smash these guys like we dented a smart phone
Only joking, if this was a fight I'd be getting my ass home
[S] Yeah, I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
[Both] Nelly Furtado!
[M] And you got a drinking problem
[S] That is clear as Cavalier
[M] When you have ideas it's not a light bulb-
[Both] that appears it's a can of beer
[M] You've had two 2 on 2's as a 2 on 2, you're new to the system
[S] We've beaten every title match so far, what makes you any different?
[M] So try to sell your flawed shit like Apu in The Simpsons
[S] We'll still run rings around you like a jeweler's assistant
[M] You're too inconsistent, just rhyming what we're tired of
[S] Another shitty 2 on 2 that time forgot, we're wiping up
[M] You have as much chance winning a fucking science off with Brian Cox
[S] You're boring, bland and basic and-
[Both] That's why you lost the title shot
[S] And your podcast's bollocks
[M] Yeah it's shit
[S] Time