[Round 1: Shuffle T]
Alright, so, I have a bit of a confession to make
Um, in the lead-up to this battle, I didn't really have much researched
I heard the name was "Jaz" and assumed it was a man, but it's...her
It shouldn't affect anything I've written, you know
It should all match up as per
Um, so what was it, yeah
You've got the smallest dick I've-
No, that doesn't work
I'm joking, alright?
I knew you're a woman, I just have to pretend you're a guy
So for the rest of the battle, I won't be looking you dead in the eye
And I hope I can keep it up for the rest of the night
Because I can't really talk to women
I...I get really shy
So...aw, fuck
(*chuckles*) Hi, you come here often?
No, you live in America, right
Um, they set you up with a place to stay? You've got a bed for the night?
And they saw you out with that hotel with the flight
It's just, you know, I've got...two editions of Jenga at mine
We could stack them up next to each other, and get them in line
And sit back, and when they collapse, we can watch them together intwine
As long as it doesn't remind you too much of 9/11, it's fine
We'll have an excellent time
You know, I'll get us some wine
Got red, I've got white
Um, I've got Chablis from '75 which is meant to be nice
Heard a rumour that you might be a...a virgin
Never slept with a guy
In which case, I think me and you getting together would be incredibly tight
I mean "tight" as in cool, not vaginally
I don't wanna get your hopes up
You know, I'm not elephant-sized
I'd say it's between, uh, like, a 7 and 9...centimetres
Yeah, I don't know if that's good, but you know, it's very defined
You know, it's smooth, subtle, subtle bend to the right
I suppose the good thing about you never having sex in your life
Is you don't really have much of a frame of reference for size
So, yeah, if you don't know, Jaz is sort of, like, known as "The Virgin of Battle Rap"
And that's all great and peace and love
But people act like it's amazing, and I'm like, "Take it easy, bruv"
I'm a virgin, too, but when I say it, I don't get praise and screams and hugs
When I tell people I'm a virgin, you know, they just beat me up
But drop the act
You act like a virgin 'cause you just don't want us to judge you
But in school, you went 'round to everyone with a cock in the lunch queue
You're not some virginal queen, Jaz
That's obviously untrue
You just couldn't find anybody to fuck you
But I will
I think I honestly love you
I don't wanna say anything stupid and just have to take it back
I just think we'd make a good pair, you know?
And that's just stating facts
I've seen a video of you twerking online, shaking that amazing ass
You know, there's only so many times I can masturbate to that...in a day
Seven
And whilst I'm here, that red dress is making me feel like more of a sex pest than Fred West
Time!
[Jaz The Rapper]
I'm not a virgin anymore (*laughs*)

[Shuffle T]
You are to me

[Round 1: Jaz The Rapper]
If y'all don't remember how I does this, good, I'mma remind you
It's been almost two years since I been here
I had a good time, too
If y'all loved me last time, tonight, I'm that times two
I work on my time to address bullshit when it's time to...and it's time to
London, make some noise, y'all!
It's my first time here, and I'm part of y'all film festival
I could damn near cry in this bitch!
And I heard you in the movie we all here for...
Well, I hope you die in this shit!
'Cause you gon' die in this bitch
This is where the party starts
They gon' find Shuffle T in just a T and shuffle body parts
Let's get to it!
I'm not gon' dumb it down 'cause I'm in London town
I'm not gon' talk about tea and crumpets every fuckin' round
This is battle rap
We don't always wanna laugh, we want that gutter sound
And you ain't got it, so I'mma milk you for every penny
Why is you a fuckin' clown!?
He got wins and a resume!
I don't care what he has, bro: I ain't with the games you sellin'
If I wanted to battle a bitch that tell jokes, you shoulda gave me Ellen
Y'all wanna know what scuffs my Timbs?
They said, "Jaz, Shuffle T tells jokes, you're gonna lose"
This n***a gettin' his ass whipped!
'Cause how a motherfucker gon' crack jokes with cracked ribs?
I'm that sick!
I'll use two bad bitches to set you up: that's double trouble
Soon as y'all lay down. you're fucked: they don't wanna cuddle
Game over, you gon' get benched after this double-double
They don't know when you gon' play: I'll shuffle Shuffle
But I don't wanna be mean to you
You look even better in person, now that I'm up here to face you
You got a girlfriend? Good, you do?
Well, tell her that I'm here to take you
We could be like Prince Harry and Meghan!
But that don't mean that I'm here to date you
That was the code word for the shooters
Soon as I send a couple in to raise you (interracial)
I had this shit mapped out soon as I stepped in the place
So them guns gon' brighten the room, and that leads to you getting red in the face
You in the flesh of a great
I saw your battle, and I wish I could unsee that
You battled a twig and a soda, and only won 'cause they couldn't speak back
You battled a twig and a soda
I had to repeat that
'Cause when I stick a can' in your face, it ain't a rematch!
That's it
[Round 2: Shuffle T]
Yeah...
Um, I've just been thinking, wow, um...
Yeah, you reminded me of it when you were spittin' now
My girlfriend is actually, um- she's in the crowd

[Jaz The Rapper]
Hey!

[Shuffle T]
So I didn't mean any of the stuff I said in the initial round
As if I'd be attracted to her!
You know, she's a virgin, and there's no wonder
Look at that smooth skin...arse better than a show-jumper
You know, I'd never dream of asking her for her phone number
(*Shuffle slips Jaz a piece of paper*)
Just pop it down there, on that
You know, I hate perfect bone structure
I was just joking about the love shit, you know?
I was makin' it up
There's a reason me and you would never make it in love-
(*Jaz hands the paper back to Shuffle*)
Thank you very much
She said, "Fuck you"-

[Jaz The Rapper]
With a smiley face

[Shuffle T]
-which is funny, 'cause I'd love to
There's one reason me and you would never make it in love
It's not the background, it's not the distance
It's not the face or the butt
Simply for the fact that you are basic as fuck!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, you basic, Jaz!
And I bet that makes you wanna pick a fight with me
You take selfies in clubs with the quote, "My bitches ride with me"
You wear UGG boots in the wintertime with shit designer jeans
And you describe things as "lit" without a hint of irony
(I'm joking, I am joking, I swear to fucking God)
Aah...
(I wanna build a home and life with you)
She's shit!
(I'll work overtime for you)
What a bitch!
(I wanna ride on the backseat of a motorbike with you)
But unfortunately, I can't, 'cause that would be to cheat
'Cause as you know, I'm already married to the streets
I don't mean "the Streets" as in the band, by the way
I'm not married to Mike Skinner
Don't know how I would explain that to my dad over Saturday night dinner
No, I'm married to the streets, as in intimidating circumstances, alright?
To survive, it was tough
The home counties can be...surprisingly rough
When I was in school, you know, some kids, they tried fighting me once
Didn't happen, the teacher broke it up, but...frightening stuff
You know, me and you are completely different worlds
You know, one of us is from the mean street, and the other one is a girl
But if you're lookin' for a bad boy, looks like ya found him, chicky!
I mean, look for a second, Christ
I'm such a bad boy, at school I got put in detention...thrice!
Twice for, uh, "forgetting" my P.E. kit
Those were the days, it was anarchy
Another time for not giving in my homework
Crazy, insanity
That one actually wasn't my fault as well
It was David Fisaquale
After it was me who saved him from Natalie
Who was gonna beat him up 'cause he shared a rumour that her vagina went outwards instead of in
True? Maybe
But that doesn't change the fact that little Davey betrayed me
So you can try and thaw this heart of ice
Maybe you can tame me
Who am I kiddin'? I roll solo for life
See ya later, baby!
Time!

[Round 2: Jaz The Rapper]
Studies show "wanker" is the fourth-most offensive word in Britain, after "cunt", "motherfucker", and "fuck" - in that order
So listen, wanker, your mum's a cunt
I'll get that motherfucker fucked - in that order!
What? You thought it was gon' be easy once you got me?
So I get why you bitter, T: shit is not sweet!
Me and the homies decided to give you a quick incision with swift precision
And it's funny, 'cause even though we all agreed, it still was a split decision
You had a ghostwriting business, didn't you?
I don't condone that
You should get thrown out
They wasn't buyin' bars, merchandise
Your pockets went through a whole drought
What your numbers like?
That shit was a failure, with no doubt
Y'all say he so sick
How ironic, 'cause T sales (cells) got a low count
I was watchin' your battles, and I came across some crazy shit
'Cause, Adam, I found out you are an atheist
You say God don't exist, but he created Adam
See, he don't believe the stories they tell
But how they gon' have faith you gon' beat me when you don't even believe in yourself?
You get uncomfortable 'round women!
You don't get no ass 'cause you pushy
Adam...you was the first man on Earth, and you still can't get pussy!?
But wait - you did tell somebody-
You told Carter Deems you fucked his cat

[Shuffle T]
Yes

[Jaz The Rapper]
Are you mad? I think it's time we have a nice chat
That's an act of bestiality
Something's telling me you like crack!
I don't know about here, but in America, we don't like that
Shuffle, when dudes say they beat the pussy up, it's not supposed to bite back!
But I get it now!
Joker said you told Big J you wanna "cum on his face"
Then you said, "No, I want his cum on my face"

[Shuffle T]
Yeah

[Jaz The Rapper]
Excuse me?
I was so confused all day
'Cause you basically said, "Uh-uh, bitch! Get it right, 'cause I said something more gay!"
I feel bamboozled! Hoodwinked!
I thought your name was "Shuffle T" because of cards, but now it's unacceptable...
His name is Shuffle T because he shuffles testicles!
You know what rhymes with "Shuffle T"? Cuddle me
You know what else rhymes with "Shuffle T"? Suckin' D!
I bet you checked out every dude in the room who's cuter than you
I'm concludin' it's true
You'll drool for they n***s
Take him to a strip club, he'll be the only dude booin' a boob!
I wouldn't be surprised if T's favorite brand is Fruit of the Loom!
And his favorite player's #10 for Barcelona
But not because his record is unmatched
He wear that jersey 'cause he likes shit that's messy (Messi) on his back!
Time, time

[Round 3: Shuffle T]
Crack a smile, love
These days, trying to have a laugh with women is like a kamikaze mission
Must be absent-father syndrome
You wanna snap her bra or slap an arse and you have to "ask permission"
Whatever happened to going up to a girl, just grab their arm, and kiss 'em?
These days, you literally just say "Hello" and they bang your arse in prison
Why can't I just hang in the shadows, with a balaclava hidden
And bundle you in a sack?
As men, that is our tradition
You know, it's not like we're out here committin' acts of barbarism!
And when you talk now, they say that we have to start to listen
As if you lot are suddenly gonna have some sparks of wisdom!
All you go on about is how you wanna have a larger kitchen!
We can't win with you lot, and that's a hard position
That's why Trump is so respected, and Barack Obama isn't
'Cause he tells it like it is
Girls just have to blast opinions!
In a way...you could say...it's the lads who are the victims
I don't mean any of that, but it rhymed!
So I'd thought, you know, I have this verse, I'm keeping it
But I'm well aware we think we're amazing 'cause we have the sperm and the penises
Women are much better, and we have to learn what your secret is
The pay cut's a fuckin' joke, and every man on Earth is a piece of shit - I know that
Men are fucking trash
All we do is fight, and then deny you our feelings
You guys give birth to women, and then can just provide what they're eating
And then we "mansplain" and we fat-shame until you cry every evening
And a quarter of your adult life, your vaginas are bleeding
There is no justice, alright?
'Cause men are always in their little private comfort zones
And we oppress women with horrific acts and snidey undertones
And then the ones that don't do that are like, "Wait a minute! No, I'm not one of those!"
Make it impossible to like the ones who oppress or even like the ones that don't
But-but-but-
Come on, no, but-
No, wait, but-but-
If you're gonna date a guy anyway, it should be someone who's been made aware
Of men in our society and our failings there
(Me, I'm saying me)
Someone who can make you feel special, someone who makes you care
Someone with a long black trenchcoat, charming smile, and amazing hair
You know, someone who makes you laugh
Someone who can guarantee a life full of happiness and joy
Someone that can treat you right
Someone who looks at you and says, "Good golly, that could be my wife!"
Someone with a very, very slightly-less-than-average penis size
Marry me tonight
We can do our vows in rap
The priest can be like, "Yo, first round on Jaz!"
I don't know, I just get the idea I can see us proper working
And we can have a, you know, bunch of kids, little Colin Firth-lings
I just wanna be the guy who makes you say, "I am not a virgin"
But if not, I'll always have that YouTube video...of you twerking
Time!

[Round 3: Jaz The Rapper]
(They're gonna look it up
They're gonna look up the video)
So the promo for this battle, they called you a genius
So, I'm not a genius, too? I mean, what was the discussion?
I think it's conspiracy
Is it beef? 'Cause I fuck wit' y'all
I listen to Adele, I like English muffins
Fans said I can't rap wit' Adam
So I'mma get at him, Adam
Need Marlo to tag him, Adam
In my element, I break Adam down to Adam's atoms
You a bitch, and you the head one: call Adam "madam"
Shuffle, we come from two different struggles, and it's evident
Like, what you know about Trump being your president?
I come from a place where the gun sound regular
You come from a place where the ting goes, "Skiddi-dah-bah-pah-boom-boom! Skiddi-di-bah-bah!"
What the fuck!? Like, what the fuck is that!? (*laughs*)
While I was prepping for you, I found out the saddest shit
Instant turn-off when I found out you used to do magic tricks
Like, imagine one night- (*cracks up*)
Imagine one night, he on a date wit' a thick li'l broad
They 'bout to kiss, and out of nowhere, he like..."Is this your card?"
And it ain't even her card!
Now she hot and she pissed!
He go in his pocket again like, "It gotta be this!"
Look, I went into Starbucks, right?
And I ran into a fan of mine
She said, "When's your next battle?"
I said, "Today, versus Shuffle T, some random guy"
She said, "Oh! I know him! But isn't he that stand-up guy?
How's he a rapper? He looks more like a camera guy!"
I said, "I know, but he can't help his image"
She stops me right there and said, "I got some info on him. Tell that man good riddance
So, listen, one day, I was minding my business
I had a DM from him, and I kinda thought I was trippin'
He sent a dick pic"
I said, "(*gasps*) A dick-ture!? Well, how'd it look? Would you hit it?"
She said, "I couldn't tell
I thought he made it disappear since he used to be a magician!"
You got a small dick, and you just told me that!
You gotta live with that!
You wanna know what's wrong? I'll tell you
Your name's Shuffle, but you can't change the hand God dealt you
I came to England with these dope lines
So don't be surprised when your soul's mine
'Cause y'all ruled by Queen Elizabeth...a bitch been runnin' shit this whole time!
Time
And that is the end!

[Shuffle T]
Come here!
Aye, we're all friends!