[Verse 1]
I ain't been drinkin'
But if I was drinkin'
I think
I'd be drinking bourbon
And right now, you'd be a blur
And I wouldn't hear a word
'Cause I'd be good and drunk
That's for certain

[Verse 2]
I ain't been smokin'
But if I was smokin'
I know
I'd be smoking weed
When you blow all our money
I'd laugh
It'd be funny
'Cause high as a kite
Is where I'd be

[Bridge]
I love you baby
But sometimes, baby
You dance on my last nerve
And I get an insane kind of urge
[Instrumental break]

[Verse 3]
And I ain't been cheatin'
But if I was cheatin'
That's right
I'd be cheating on you
I am just daydreamin'
Thank God, I ain't been cheatin'
'Cause if I was
I'd be losing you

[Punchline]
I ain't been drinkin', smokin', or cheatin'
'Cause if I was
I'd be losing you

[Spoken to audience]
"Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Well, I just thought I'd give y'all a little bit of an insight into what tonight will be there starting with Drinkin' Smokin' Cheatin'
We'll hit all the favorite sins, I'll tell you that."