[Verse 1]
No more pretending now, the albatross is dying in its nest
The company is crippling me, the worst trying to ruin the best, the best
Their promotion's so lame
They could never ever take it to the real ball game
Maybe they think I'm a pet
Well, I've got all the diseases
I'm breaking out in sweat
You bet

[Chorus]
'Cause I got Mercury poisoning
It's fatal, and it don't get better
I got Mercury poisoning
The best-kept secret in the west

[Verse 2]
The boys and me are getting real well-known around town
But every time we try to spread the action, someone always brings it down, down, down, down, down
I ate the orange, and I don't feel well
For them, it's inconvenience, for me it's hell
The geriatric staff think we're freaks
They couldn't sell kebabs to the Greeks, the geeks
Inaction speaks

[Chorus]
And I got Mercury poisoning
It's fatal, and it don't get better
I got Mercury poisoning
The best-kept secret in the west
[Bridge]
Is this a Russian conspiracy? No, it's just idiocy
Is this a Chinese burn
I gotta a dinosaur for a representative
It's got a small brain and refuses to learn

[Saxophone Solo]

[Verse 3]
Their promotion's so lame
They could never ever take it to the real ball game
Listen, I ain't a pet
I ain't a token hipster in your monopoly set
You bet

[Chorus]
'Cause I got Mercury poisoning
It's fatal, and it don't get better
I got Mercury poisoning
The best-kept secret in the west

[Outro]
He's got Mercury poisoning
It's fatal, and it don't get better
He's got Mercury poisoning
The best-kept secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
Yeah, I'm the best-kept secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
Yes, the best-kept secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
The best, the best kept-secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
The best, the best kept-secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
The best, the best kept-secret in the west
(He's got Mercury poisoning)
The best, the best kept-secret in the west