While the icicle vendetta might require the blue sombrero
I'd prefer to say the twilight made me don the blue beret
I say, would you mind most awfully if awkward Aubrey Mabersley
Accompanies Melinda to the thunderclown parade?

Precocious young Miss Calloway impressed some person's pants away
With clever conversation studied from a magazine
And a blackguard known to all and sundry as a humble understudy
Challenged a great actor for his hatred of the queen

Perhaps I lack a sense of humour but your interesting rumour
Sketches me a stature quite impossible to match
Where your baroque imagination sees adulterous Casanova
In reality I'm just an unadulterated wretch

And Michael is, I'm sad to say, a quite unworthy adversary
Morris is too homosexual acting anyway
While Merlin, no relation, has been wasting his frustration
On the nephew of the cousin of the Earl of Albany

I'm attracted to Antonia but wish to keep her friendship
So I'll never breathe a word of her obsession with my waist
And there are several salient reasons why
Precocious young Miss Calloway has had the gall to state that I am not entirely chaste

Perhaps I lack a sense of humour but your interesting rumour
Sketches me a stature quite impossible to match
Where your baroque imagination sees adulterous Casanova
In reality I'm just an unadulterated wretch
So pass the pancakes, pretty please, or else I'll strip myself and tease
My orgiastic organ to an ecstasy of joy
And the doctor tells me intercourse remains out of the question
And between ourselves I'm just a teensy little bit annoyed

So while the icicle vendetta might require the blue sombrero
I'd prefer to say the twilight's made me don the blue beret
And I'd be acting out of character if I required the pharmacist
To staunch my bleeding wound with the Italian tourniquet

Perhaps I lack a sense of humour but your interesting rumour
Sketches me a stature quite impossible to match
Where your baroque imagination sees adulterous Casanova
In reality I'm just an unadulterated wretch