I'm jealous of the men whose penises are larger than my penises
And I'm jealous of the men whose penises are so enormous they outstrip all average penises
I'm even jealous of the men whose penises are slightly smaller than mine
A complete history of penis envy, sizes 24-29

I'm jealous of the women whose slightly protuberant clitorises pass for penises bigger than mine
I'm jealous of the men who measure the penises of the men whose penises reach size 29
And my only consolation for penis envy would be to write a bitter and twisted little song
Called 'A Complete History of Penis Envy, Sizes 24-29'

I once saw a man whose penis was so big he had to wheel it around in a wheelbarrow
And I used to think it wasn't what you got but how you used it that mattered, but now I don't know
And if you see me one day muttering, shabby and mad in the doorway with a paper bag round a bottle of wine
Just put it down to penis envy, sizes 24-29