Well my poor old todger is rogered to smudge
Like a battered and blue Pushmi-Pullyu
I once had a bloke refuse point blank to budge
When he parked his red bus up my studio

The things I could tell you about that brigade
They were gruntfuttocks all to a man
I said "Get thee to a nunnery!"
They came back with Italy
Cheap at just seventeen grand

Well the boot made of meat is on my other feet
As I remarked to Napoleon on Elba
That dwarf was so bored that his statue was sore
From abseiling up the walls of his Zelda

One evening he said as he lay on her bed
"If I don't capture Capri by Monday
You can rip me in two, take both to the zoo
And feed me hind legs to a donkey"

Oh the snorkel is soapy, my ankles are ropey
My aunt has no hope of a spleen
I'll lend her a fiver if she and her driver
Come back with the head of the queen
It is worse than I thought, they have used her to snort up
The ashes of lady Godiva
Those blithering fools! It's not Britannia who rules
These days more likely it's China

Oh the snorkel is soapy, my ankles are ropey
My aunt has no hope of a spleen
I'll lend her a fiver if she and her driver
Come back with the head of the queen

Well a simpleton's face is an utter disgrace
Or so I was taught the varsity
Then again, in the main, these were men made of rain
With the skimpiest mental capacity

And my poor old todger is rogered to smudge
Like a battered and blue Pushmi-Pullyu
One evening he said as he lay on her bed
"If I don't capture Capri by Monday
You can rip me in two, take both to the zoo
And feed me hind legs to a donkey"