Hi. I'm the Rap Critic. And I just realized: outside of my collab review with Todd on that movie he did with Snoop Dogg, I haven't talked too much about Wiz Khalifa. And maybe that's to my detriment. I mean, he's racked up a surprising amount of hits, and heck, I liked "Young, Wild, and Free" and uh… *shows single covers for his other songs* uh… well, I liked "Young, Wild, and Free", but other than that, Khalifa has never struck me as someone I NEEDED to listen to, and *shows "O.N.I.F.C." cover* *chuckles* Jesus Christ… what I'm trying to say is, he ALSO never struck me as someone to take seriously

But you know what? I haven't listened to him in a while. Maybe, looking at his new single with fresh eyes will change my perception of him. So, without further ado, let's look at Wiz Khalifa's "We Dem Boyz"… wow, that doesn't sound good…

*long video intro*

*sighs* Does a song called "We Dem Boyz" REALLY need a long intro?

*song starts*
AY! *autotuned*

Autotune? AUTOTUNE?! STILL?! REALLY?! Is this still here? Do we NEED this when rapping, a musical form of art that isn't reliant on tonal pitches? Was auto tune the thing you needed to help this record go over with the people? I ask you, honestly, have you ever heard a rapper start using auto tune and said to yourself, "Well, I WAS gonna stop listening to him, but then he started sounding like a robot with a vocal glitch, and I thought, "Hey, I should give him a second chance!" I don't know about you, but when I hear a rapper with auto tune on, I immediately tune out, because I have YET to a hear a rap verse with auto tune on it that was EVER good. Not even from Lil Wayne, not even from Kanye. Sure, maybe there were songs where he SANG the whole time and I liked it, but I can't name you ONE good auto tuned rap verse. My theory is that most rappers who throw auto tune on their verses do it because their verse was boring as shit, they KNEW it was boring as shit, and had to find a way, ANY way to possibly make it sound interesting

Hol up, hol up, Hol up, we dem boyz

*looks*

Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise
Hol up, hol up, hol up, hol up, hol' up

That is not the chorus

Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise
Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz

Dear God. This is the chorus
Hol up, hol up, hop up

What are we holding up for? Are you trying to think of what to say next, but the beat is drowning out your thought process or something?

*beat stops*

There, the beat stopped, so now you can think. So, what were you trying to say?

Hol up, hol up, hol up, hol up, hop up

*looks*

Hol up, we dem boyz

Oh… So, the whole phrase is, "Hol' up: we dem boyz". Not, "hol' up BECAUSE we dem boyz, no, nothing is connecting these phrases, just "hol' up. We dem boyz". So, all that build up, telling us to hold up, and pay attention, and that's all you had to say? You sure you had nothing else to add there?

Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise

Well, ya damn sure ain't makin' music

Hol up, hol up, hol up, pop a bottle (pop a bottle)
Hol up, hol up, hol up

Wait, did the verse just start? I… I can't tell, it all sounds the same. Okay, eventually he starts using other words, and since he spent the first full minute of this video telling us that they, indeed, dem boyz, well, what about these boys?

Hol up, hol up, hol up, pop a bottle (pop a bottle)
Hol up, hol up, hol up, If you suck, then swallow
…Okay, I'm assuming he's not talking to his boys when he says that, but I guess what do I know?

And white girls gimme becky (Becky)

Well, that part's just about you

Leave the club these hoes be tryin to chase me

…and… that's also just about you. So… whatever happened to… dem boyz? I mean, is it too much to ask that if Wiz demands you halt what you're doing to pay attention to his statement that he and his clique are "dem boyz", shouldn't he… tell you something about them? Who they are, what they do? A plural noun is all I'm asking for. You could literally replace "me" with "us" in these verses and it would at least fit the presumed subject of the song. But since I guess we're not talking about dem boyz anymore, despite, that, being, THE CHORUS, please, just go on to tell us more about yourself

Foreign girls call me sexy

Do they now? Only foreign girls, eh? Hm, maybe they just don't know the English translation for "freakishly skinny"

Throwin money on her like she won the lotto (the lottery)

Did… the background vocals just explain what he meant by the "lotto"

Like she won the lotto (the lottery)

Thank you, background vocal Khalifa, we REALLY needed the clarification

Say she never smoked I turned her to a stoner (smoking now)

Is she smoking now? Is THAT what you meant by turning her to a stoner? Well, I couldn't have guessed!
You got a ass so fat let's make a baby (And another one)

You know, these rappers seem to have a thing about painting women as gold digging whores, like in THIS line:

Man on the low all these hoes be actin so material

...but dude, if the only qualification you have for having a child with a woman, not just having sex, nope, we've skipped to wanting to father children based off of butt sizes, so if you're willing to pay child support from the jump based off of the size of a girl's ass, maybe, just MAYBE, you're kind of inviting shallow, vapid women to rip you off

Hol up, man did you see her interior?

Her interior?… are we still talking about women at this point? Because, the previous line was:

Hoes be actin so material

And then… you bring up her… interior… like, he's asking have you seen her insides? That's, serial killer talk, dude. I mean, I'm sure he's just talking about her vagina, but for God's sake, she's not a car! I mean, I know rappers frequently like to objectify women as cars, but referring to the inside of her vagina as the interior is just slightly too specific to not be awkward

Hol up, these n***as broke, these n***as lazy

Oh, they're lazy, are they? And, how does 70% of this song go again?

Hol up, hol up, hol up, hol up, hol' up

Yeah, never call anyone lazy again

You know, a lot of you guys give me guff for not giving certain songs lower ratings. Like, some people thought I was too nice to Nicki, or too nice to Iggy Azalea, no, it's not that, it's just that it's all about perspective. "Pills N Potions" was average, "Fancy" was a little below average, but wasn't bad enough to warrant too much hatred. THIS is terrible. This is effortless, this is lazy, this is crap. This deserves a 0 out of 5. Honestly, hip-hop fans out there Why do you like this? And no, I'm not talking to young, impressionable surface fans who would listen to the sound of a baboon jacking off if there was a catchy chant over it. No, I'm talking to the straight-up fans of Wiz Khalifa that perpetually keep him popular. Why do you like this? He's not doing anything that any run of the mill unknown, talentless rapper isn't doing: which is slathering auto tune on their voices and spitting rhymes that 8 year olds would find intellectually insulting, so why do you like him in particular? What made you want to give your money to him and say, "Yes, this is worth it. You are special"? Cause as far as I'm seeing, he is not. And this isn't like some one-hit wonder who got big off one hit who will eventually fade away, this guy has stuck around, but with music like this? For real, I want you to take away the hype, take away the radio play that repeats the song to make you like it, take away the name Wiz Khalifa from this song, it's just a song that you heard and didn't know who it was by. Listen to this again… *Hol' up hop' up hop' up* and tell me what there is to like about this. On second thought, don't tell me. In fact, If you'll excuse me, I will gleefully return to my existence of NOT listening to Wiz Khalifa

"Oh My Gosh, that was amazing!"

No, it fucking wasn't