[Intro: James/Skittle Z/Yung $erpico]
James: Alright...we're here to settle an ancient beef, since the beginning of time
We're going to-hey hey hey hey. Keep it civil! Keep it- Keep it fucking civil!
Alright, it's gonna' be Spencer...

Skittle Z: Skittle Z, uh, up and coming! Reppin' the 321: Space Coast

Yung $erpico: Alright, it's your boi Yung $erpico. Shoutout Vincent Baker, shoutout Jersey Lyfe, shoutout Duval, hell yeah white boi...Spencer needs to atone for his crimes, and that's why we're handling this like men. No more talk, I mean, a lotta' talk but like, you know what I'm saying. Let's get to it

James: Alright, you first

[Round 1: Skittle Z]

We're Above and Below, ground troops to air strike
I rise you Decline like the Third Reich
Call me the state, cuz' I got a Monopoly on force, trade in your House on the Hill no remorse
I ain't Sorry, but you're in Trouble
You took this Risk when you decided to tussle
Put up no Resistance, you can't Blokus
It Boggles the Mastermind you ain't cautious
I put figures into place like we're packing up
I got you on the bottom, my rules on top
Beat you at Jenga, you ain't stackin' up
Win at rap and Twister, Don't Flop
In my own house, this isn't gonna' fly
Roll the dice, give you one, now you gotta' die
Hit your face hard, gonna' cause some Delirium
Make your death take longer than Twilight Imperium
Your body, dead on the ground, not a Clue left around
Who's the perp? No one can Guess Who did the wrong
Hidden roles, Deception: Murder in Hong Kong
So who did you win? Oh, I think I can solve 'er
Me, in the living room, with the Revolver
[Bridge: James]

Alright, that's pretty good. Let's see what Yung $erpico has

[Round 1: Yung $erpico]

Spencerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~
Spencer says he wants to battleeeeeeee~
Okay babyyyy, don't get rattledddddddd~
I'll take you anywhere, Florida to Seattleeeeeeeeee~
I mean, that's how it was gonna' go
But then this stupid hoe, went and insulted Serpico, so now you gotta' go
You nerdy, dirty, ugly Jeffery Dahmer lookin' motherfucker.....

Oooh!

You realize I know where you stay
I could be outside your window at daybreak with the AK
I could spray, hit your bedframe, probably hit Ben next to you by mistake...sorry Ben!
Decapitate Spencer, don't get ahead of me
Swinging wild now like I'm hot off the Hennessey
Spencer gonna' get this work, like Infinite Energy
I'm a bad guy with the Billy club, violent
I will stick a Billy club through both of your eyelids
And leave your face all bloody, lookin' like Billie Eilish
Goddamn...

You slid through my home turf, Jersey, and I'm not gonna' let that slide
Next time you're up there, I'll find where you hide
I keep the pistol real low, shoot you right in the thigh
Then give him that Gilead farewell: that's when you stick a gun, under his eye!
Quick hits, I keep spamming them
Take this up to Toronto, if you got the stamina
But be warned, I got two custom guns made by my blacksmith in Panama
Call 'em Emily & Moira, I smuggle these hand-mades into Canada

Did y'all not like that? I mean, did you get it though?
Good, okay, wait...I gotta' think of something, um...
What do y'all like? Whose ready for FOOTBA- no
(Tina: Talk about his sister!) I'll get to that
...Video games! Y'all like video games, okay yeah
(Christian: We're Gamers man!) Yeah, okay
Well, video games, Nintendo, guess I'm in good company
Name my guns: this one called Valve, what it does will astound you
And this one is Bungee, it'll put a Halo around you
And this one is Blizzard, it's raking in bucks
And this one is EA, it fuckin' sucks
And this one's called Sakurai, it smashes brothers in brawls
And this one's called Bethesda, cuz' once she loaded, she starts clipping through walls

You little...oooooooooo.....mmmmm....okay.....
Man, you guys must think I'm taking this way too far
But he's the one that let the rumors start
So it's after dark, it's time to spark
I drag your ass through Depot, now that's a walk in the park
Take ya', starting banging on his chest, it look like CPR
I get up, start jumping on his chest, it look like DDR
Call my girl in, she came equipped with scissor blades
She give your face a cut, trim your beard, slice your ribcage
My girl will sew you to death real fast, that's cuz' she tailor swift
Speaking of new Lovers, I heard Spencer got a girl now, can't you tell?
Okay Skittle Z, I really wish you well
Cuz' everything should go good, until she realizes all the lies you tell
I can't wait for the New Girl to leave Spencer, like Zooey Deschanel
This boi whoring for rhymes, tu puto
I know dogs that are real killers, they Cujo
This dog can't even speak, you Pluto
I will kill everybody you love, it's true though
I'll show up to your family's house with firearms, Prince Zuko
Hit your mother, hit your father, silence your sister, Nezuko
(Tina: How are you feeling Spencer?
Skittle Z: I'm getting destroyed)
Give it up for Spencer everybody! *Applause*

Don't worry, I have more than that, not just one bit
I can flip the script, watch me transition quick
From the violence to just talking shit...yo dick! Yo dick
(Tina: Spencer! Move the paper)
It's so small, instead of inches, you use fractions
It's no wonder with the ladies you got like no attraction
You have to go to a brothel, just to get some action
Every time you pay for small dick sex it's a microtransacation

(Christian: He's already dead!)
And then I feel bad for you girl, you can not maintain an erection
I feel bad for this club, you can't sustain an election
You treat our government like a mockery
You only wanna' win off of gimmick votes, destroying federal property
I'm glad our president is now that pacifist Benjamin Velie
Because if I was in government, I would really really
Have to punch an animal out of his wheelies
Y'all didn't feel me, y'all didn't feel me
Let me remix that! Let me remix that!
I said I'm really glad that we've got a pacifist president, Benjamin Velie
Cuz' if I was the president, if I was in government, I would really, really
Have to schmak' a fox right out of his heelys

Okay, okay...don't worry, 'cuz there's also the Anticobblers, you're next big mistake
You made a whole religion based off the fact that your shoes might break
Well it sounds really fun, so Spencer, when's the first meeting date?
(Skittle Z: Shut up!)
Your cult is deader than Jonestown after the Kool-aid

Yeah....Spencer, I mean what do I do?
Do I pop up a broomstick and pop a snitch like it's Quidditch?
Or do I bust in his house all unexpected, the Spanish Inquisition
Cuz' I'm lurkin' and searching and spying and fishing
I get a vision of Spencer all alone in the kitchen
Grab a knife and leave his face with like hundreds of stitches
Then go through the rooms to find which one his bitch lives in
Lift up her linens and fuck her....With her permission!
Consent is very important even though it's a rap battle, you have to remember, consent is sexy, just cuz' I'm rapping...*Applause*
Consent is good, don't do [bad] things, don't be mean to people
Anyways, I'll leave his face with like hundreds of stitches
Then I go through the rooms to find the one his bitch lives in
Lift up her linens and fuck her, with her permission

We do Missionary, Doggystyle, Cowgirl with the kissin'
Cowboy with the toys, now the bedsheets is missin'
The Gator, The Mongoose, the Ukrainian Business
The Tiger, The Liger, the Dirty Nuclear Physics
The Soldier, The Sniper, The War of Attrition
The-...You don't recognize any of those sex moves
(Skittle Z: First off!)
But you don't recognize those sex moves, by your own admission?
Well Mr. Vice President of Marketing, we can both make up positions!
Time!

(James: You got a lot of coming back to do buddy
Tina: Oh Spencer! You have more?
Skittle Z: Yeah! It's three rounds, three rounds
Crowd: *Concerned Confusion*
Christian: Wait, you're gonna' come back? That doesn't sound...)

[Round 2: Skittle Z]
Well while I have the stage, I wanted to tell you about something I've been working on for a lil' bit
Right now it's just a small project, sorta' like a fun toy
But soon...the President is going to be pretty scared(?)
Because, it's called Spencoin and it's empirically and lyrically the future of currency
Invest now, the return will be the best that you'll find currently
Gimme' the mic cuz' I'll bust this
The ledger is decentralized and trustless

(Yung $erpico: Let him rap! Let him rap!)

You're on the ground floor before the downpour
Invest in the best and you'll make out with the whole store
And we're so strong, so far along
It won't be far now til' Fargo is far gone
I rap fast as you check and kill a hashes-per-second
Not weed but you see Merkle Trees what I'm reppin'
Stop the sharp dressing, goose steppin' to bad guessin'
You're Ben Bernanke and you're gonna' learn a lesson
'Cuz I'm way more than 51% attack
Tyrannical governments watch your back
Bitcoin's a Ponzi Scheme, that's a fact
Spencoin runs on a different tech stack
Cast aside your old ways and get ready for change
We have nothing to lose, except our blockchains
Here's some truth, peer-to-peer as one of the designers
Adults use my cryptocurrency while Bitcoin has miners

That's just a thought, where was I?...How much Evan sucks
Call you a D1, 'cuz you're constantly single
Can't get a D8 man, you an incel
I gotta' stop him, so I pull out my knife
Put the edge to the side your face, comes to a point, vertex
Things go different when i gets involved, complex
You talk about pulling a 9? Well I got a million! Now that's a real number
You mime your guns, they're imaginary, well mine's a real number
Shoot you point blank in the head, I'll do a real number
Capture it on eight millimeter film, that's my reel number
That's all I got *Applause*

[Round 2: Yung $erpico]
Spencerrrrrrrrrrrrr~
Okay...talking about your relatives and everything, I'm sorry about that...but I'll kill them
'Cuz these fists right here, they smash, they smack they crunch
I'm givin' them out for cheap, like the Krishna lunch
All your relatives, they can get hit with the crazy punch
I'll put a whole white family into boxes, like the Brady Bunch

Your slander, fills me with that wild anger
But it's good I came equipped with new tricks, like the revised Ranger
Now I'm magic with the stick, Hermione Granger
Oh wait, you said no guns, bet, I'll wager
*Sphew* 'Cuz when the dagger come out it puts your face in danger
Or play Operation, organ rearranger
I'll spread all your bits throughout the great range of nature
The search party gonna' consist of his family, friends and strangers
Cuz' after I divide Spencer, they'll round up, just to find a remainder

You...ooooo......You good? Need a hug?
Umm.....You came here to battle, you lost from the start
(Skittle Z: Yeah)
The way my bars graph, they blowin' right off the chart
The shotty 12-gauge, it'll blow your body apart
I've got more shells aimed for Spencer, we playin' Mario Kart

You wanna know why I'm blazing you? Why you're so confused
You gotta' go old school and take it back to the days of public school
I carried the iron, you carried the binder, different tools
You were playing with math blocks, listening to Dad Rock
We had to stuff our padlocks into our gym socks, swing 'em 'til someone's head got knocked
You had science fairs, bitch we had bombing scares!
Difference between us, it does not compare
If we took a DNA test, there would be a background that we do not share

See, I always rep Jersey 'cuz that's where I lived
You could randomly encountered some vicious kids
Doing adventure licks, faction Crips
You survived with the quickest wits, and even quicker fists
In those Jersey streets, I really learned how to roll initiative

You got the Space Coast, oh my God, oh my God
Y'all have pristine beaches, rocket ships, David Hasselhoff
The coast of complete failure, mazel tov
The home of Spencoin and the Challenger Mission, two things that could never take off

Mmm....you're tryna' act like a gangster now? What did I tell ya'
You wanna' act like a gangster but this isn't Goodfellas
Skittle Z is really cheesy, you should be MC Mozzarella
In reality you just a little white boi with a Latina, Troy and Gabriella
What time is it? It's time to drop
Lava Springs resort, the scene is hot
When I pull out the iron, you gonna' see Troy boltin' for the EXIT spot
I keep aimin', 'cuz I'm not gonna' stop 'til I get my shot

There are so many differences between us, beyond your dreams
Your total fame is made up out of computer memes
When my tool flashes....Spencer, you're just really lame
When my tool flashes, it turns you into a ghost, Fatal Frame
Man I....but...when it came to this battle, it was really hard how I trained
'Cuz you just sound bad and hoarse, you must be limping lame
But I raced hard on tracks, Kentucky Derby lanes
I got that wild stallion style that can not be tamed
Fuck RNG, 'cuz these Colts take luck out the game

..................................

Y'know, I'm from Jersey, I haven't been there in a while
But if you want proof that I'm from Jersey, I can do it Jersey style
I'M STRAPPED IN! I CLAP YOU IN A COMA!
MADNESS! I COULD SNAP AT ANY MOMENT!
Heat seeker! World beater!
You hack my mainframe with a code phreaker?
I hack your mainframe with a meat cleaver!
I stick your pieces deep down in a deep freezer!
I stand and shout in your face, Turlington preacher!
I spit chemically sick, like a bad ether
I got a formula crazier than your math teacher's
The stick will push you back into Ben's lap, like there's not enough room in Alicia's 4-seater
Fuck this, I'mma just pull out the twin heaters
And they identical, so really I could use either
I mean, I can't really see the difference between 'em
But I know I'll see a difference once I squeeze 'em
*Bah!*
Well this one stands, but this one dances, so which one do you want?
You want Jojo Bizarre Adventure? Or Jojo Siwa?
Time! *Applause*

(Yung $erpico: If you wanna' take a break we can...
Skittle Z: No, there's one more round, mine's short
Yung $erpico: Okay, fair enough)

[Round 3: Skittle Z]
I have excellent taste, you're allergic to cheese
You're from concentrate, but I'm fresh squeezed
Your raps confuse, but my dumbfound
You surprise while I astound
I have a spectacular vernacular, my lexicon's a marathon
Your raps drag on and on while I instead expound upon
Your presumption of toughness, an act that is not fooling
Any member of this crowd as I'm giving you this schooling
For an English major, you're more of a cadet
Five years of your life, and student debt
What a waste of your time, you won't be the wealthiest
You want the English degree? I'll tell you it: Celsius
So here's where we stand, I'm recycling, you're trash
Fonts? I'm Helvetica, you're Comic Sans
Yeah, I put Sans in that smash

Take from the set of all people, on the left side those who are utterly gross
Classless, trashy, verbose
Nasty, unappealing to most
The type of guy who would listen to Ghost
And on the right side, those who are beyond moronic
Idiotic, waiting for a good Sonic
Works in Astrology, that is a true comment
Plays a dominatrix but calls it ironic
The intersection in the middle, that's where your finding him
Overlap of two circles? Evan-diagram

And his politics isn't great either
Politics pretty rad, er, pretty bad
He advocates a system which was ruled by tyrants, oligarchs
I'll hit 'im with an ice pick in the head, yeah that'll leave some marks
You're a Trotskyist, stick to newspapers
Your rapping is so dreary, your complicated bars don't work in practice, they only work in theory
And you Marxists? You think you know it all, but you failed to consider our modern age
"Look at me, I know it all!" Yeah, let's look at grades
Compare for all the world how we fare with our instruction
I'm producin' A's on average, but you? C's the mean of production

[Round 3: Yung $erpico]
Ooooh boi....that liberal arts shit was uncalled for, I gotta- I gotta rebuttal that (mumbling)
You whole-ass said what you can do with an English degree, I dunno, let's see
Generally increase the cultural-, man's cultural propensity
Or you could like, teach kids how to read
Or increase the benefits of charity
Lotta' things you can do with an English degree
But while we're on the subject, talkin' about majors, for the sake of clarity
What the fuck is up with Comp Sci's gender disparity?!

I'm just telling big jokes, you're getting punk'd on
"Sans in Smash"...GET DUNKED ON!
(Yung $erpico: You good?
James: Yeah...I got dunked on.)

Alright, this is getting out of hand, might have to stop the show
Spencer, there's something that you oughta' know
That new girl you have, she's an open hoe
I mean like, no disrespect, but with an ass like that, you understand bro-to-bro?
I mean when she walks by me, she's always giving me a real nice show
You know I gotta' give that thang just one good cop, Serpico
(*Thawk*)
You mad bro? Then why'd you take this so slow?
We coulda' squashed this beef way before the damn promo
Damn, coulda' squashed this beef way before that damn promo...
I'm just...
Damn, I'm gonna' have to do it to ya', gonna' have to do it to ya boi

'Cuz when it comes to your rap rounds, for a beginner? You kinda' got it
I mean your first round was all cute, the second one was iconic
Your third was flying over people's heads like a comet
But generally when it comes to this rap stuff, in three rounds you really got it
But wouldn't you be shocked if there was actually a fourth? Like Wallace & Grommit!

Okay, let's just do it! Wallace & Grommit bars baby, let's do it!
Mac out, lead shower, long nose, big Mauser
Metal in the pants, The Wrong Trousers
Fuckin' nuts, legumes, big guns, harpoons
Aardman Cartoons, change in? Beep boop
Tresspasser? Wee woo, get cheese? Nah dude
Machine on, leave moon

You know, I was the one that taught you to rap, the one that got your schemes invented
All you did was sit around and make toast, browse on Reddit
So while a silly white man was downstairs trying to eat his breakfast
It's the dog upstairs who should get all the credit

'Cuz let's say, for example, a stranger comes into your life, stabs you in the back
Takes over your life, takes all of your wealth in fact
They try and pull the gat, tryna' get you whacked
They stole your gem, and now you want it back
Well you're lucky a dog's here trained fast to lay down some tracks
(Michael: The Wrong Mommyyyyy~)

Alright, we're talking about cartoons, let's get this old school
Nostalgia style, EPIC FAIL, basic shit, Speak & Spell
Let the carrot talk, Veggietales, stank-ass kid, Garbage Pail
Money moves, business deals, rap game's clientele
I spread my cheese all over a cracker, Wensleydale!

You always rapped and acted like you're the protagonist, hardly
At best you're a side character, Spencer on ICarly

You wanna' act-you wanna' be a little rapper now with your little bars and schemes
(Be nice, be nice! We're a family here.)
I'm Freddy Kruger in this bitch, how I kill your dreams
You're all complicated now, what the hell do you mean?
I let girlfriend take the knife and skate a boi, Avril Lavigne

Damn....money talks, money walks....
I've got a gun so big, it's really hard to cock
It's extended too much and I've gotta' keep both hands on the gun stock
When I'm holding it I'm always like, "This shit is way too long!" Like I'm listening to Prog Rock
(Nah y'all didn't like that I gotta' freestyle)
I don't even...you just...(?) about you
It's just so easy to make fun of you
But maybe like Taylor said, maybe that's the fun of you
Do I give him the .40 or the .45? It's too many guns to choose
I don't know about you, but I'm feeling .22

You don't know what kinda' smoke I'm on, I don't know what typa' shit you on
A billion lions? I got a gun so big, it kill every Pokémon
(Crowd: That's a lot of lions...
Yung $erpico: It's okay! I've got a big gun!)
Spencer spencer spencer...you want to finish it?...Okay....Well fuck how you feel!
Pistol grippin' and tippin', yeah I'm keeping it real
I got these hot pockets but I ain't serving no meals
I go medieval style on you when I'm rocking the steel
Short words stab like short swords, slay noobs, make your chest move
Y'all gonna' see the king move through a rook, that's a chess move
This one right here? I call her the queen, because she's the fairest
I'm declaring this heiress the fairest when she flaring them shots that ensnare in your bare chest
Leave you dyin', staring as you caress the kiss of death
Yes, this is my queen, and the queen makes an inquest
Spencer, that old church down the road, is it getting any maintenance?
Like the altar, the yard, anybody watching the staircase?
That's too bad...well you better sure well hope that the bell tower didn't get any repairmen
'Cuz if that bell starts bangin' and blaring
The queen go crazy and shoot fire, Daenerys Targaryen

See Spencer? You could never be me Spencer
You lost like a pirate ship with no grip on the high seas Spencer
Gee Spencer, you could never be a G Spencer
You can't thrive, so just try staying alive like the Bee Gees Spencer
Gee Spencer, I'm about to check C Spencer
I come through and effectively wreck C Spencer
You'll need healing when I come through and step on your neck, C Spencer
And if that don't work, I got a whole armory Spencer
I got AR15s and LMGs Spencer
I'm pulling big machines out this toolbox, erectin' a dispenser!

Bitch!...I am tapped out, alright, give Spencer his dap
Now it's time for y'all to go ahead and clap
'Cuz at the end of the day, even Spencer can rap